“Dear Santa,
I understand that, with just two days to go until Christmas, it is perhaps a little bit late to be sending you a letter containing Christmas requests. However, I figured you would be able to handle it given that you apparently don’t operate on the same plane of spacetime as the rest of us. Otherwise, how would you get to everybody’s houses all in one night? Even accounting for time zones, the task is impossible unless you exist outside of our timeline. So being a bit late with my letter this year shouldn’t be a big deal.
Anyway, I’m writing this letter because I have one big wish for Christmas this year. Since all my material needs are satisfied, I don’t even need anything under my tree this year. No, what I need is for the Heat to somehow acquire a real star player.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my teammates. But, I love them as people. Not necessarily as basketball players. If our team is ever going to be good, we need to somehow convert our endless glut of role-players into a true star the likes of which have not been seen in Miami since LeBron left, Chris Bosh died of clots, and Dwyane Wade left, declined, then returned as an old man.
I know the question that is forming in your mind right now and I will do my best to answer it. No, Goran Dragic is not a star. He might have been two years ago, but he definitely wasn’t last year when he got his pity All-Star selection, and now he’s injured. Josh Richardson is also not a star. His ceiling is a fringe All-Star like Khris Middleton. I’m requesting a real star, a player that all fans would agree is a perennial All-Star candidate.
Secondary to this wish is my wish for Dion Waiters to be traded. He is a bad boy. He is a naughty boy. I know you know that, but I thought I would remind you. Bad, naughty boys do not deserve the security of playing for one team for a long period of time. They deserve to be shuffled around the league like an unwanted mongrel dog.
If I wake up on Christmas morning and I find our roster unchanged from the previous night, I will be very upset with you, Santa. So upset that I might switch my allegiances to Jesus Christ of Nazareth. He promises eternal life. That’s way better than stupid presents anyway. Plus he’ll give you anything you want if you pray for it. He’d have no problem trading Dion Waiters in a package for, say, Bradley Beal.
-Justise
P.S. I lied about not wanting presents. I really, really want a Playstation Classic so I can play Ridge Racer on Christmas morning.”