Since the Sacramento Kings don’t seem to be interested in selling plush toys that are purple foxes with a fluffy bundle of black yarn for hair (to match the real-life De’Aaron Fox), I’ve gone into business making them myself. I’m pretty sure that it’s illegal for me to use Fox’s likeness without his express permission, but I’m also pretty sure that I don’t care. I’m calling these plushes “Foxy Foxes” and they’re selling on Etsy for fifty dollars a pop.
Okay, that’s a lie. They will be selling on Etsy for fifty dollars a pop once I figure out a method of making them consistently, and also once I figure out what Etsy is. All I know about Etsy is that women who are into making crafts use it as a platform to sell their crafts to other women who are obsessed with crafts. I’m not convinced that Etsy actually adds value to the global economy since it’s just the same money changing hands over and over with none actually entering or leaving the system, but I can change that with my product. I’ll be removing money from the Etsy economy because I certainly don’t intend to buy any of that cutesy crap. All I’ll be doing is selling cute plush foxes with googly eyes to women who like cute things and have poor impulse control.
My prototype Foxy Fox, which is made out of construction paper, carpet, and paper clips, is cute, but I ran out of carpet when I made the fourth one, so I need to find something else to make them out of. Also, Etsy might ban my storefront if I market these things as “plushes” when there’s nothing “plush” about them. The thing is, I don’t know where to buy plush or even what plush is made out of. Plush is plush. I could go to the local Hobby Lobby but I heard that they’re really intense Christians over there and intense Christians make me nervous.
One thing you know for sure about DTB is that he doesn’t give up. I’m going to start mass-producting these cute little things and probably make enough money to retire to the Bahamas and make highlight videos while sitting on the beach. Not to get ahead of myself or anything. If you want to preorder a Foxy Fox at the special low-low-low price of $49.50, leave your name in the comments and I’ll make sure you’re on the list.