February 2020 – Page 16

Derrick White 17 Points/8 Assists Full Highlights (2/11/2020)

After coming up with the genius idea of manufacturing and selling a Derrick White realdoll, and having my sales pitch ignored by everybody in the Spurs’ front office despite standing outside their building for hours with a megaphone and a notebook full of hand-drawn sketches of the product, I’ve decided to go into business for…

Dejounte Murray Career High 25 Points Full Highlights (2/11/2020)

Dejounte Murray (whose first name is apparently not pronounced “Deh-JOONT”, but I’m going to keep pronouncing it that way anyway, come at me bro) just set a new career high mostly on the back of a quintessentially Spursian shot, the midrange jimbo. Somewhere, LaMarcus Aldridge and DeMar DeRozan are tagteam hugging him while crying. Aside…

Tomas Satoransky 19 Points/8 Assists Full Highlights (2/11/2020)

The average American knows nothing about Czechia or the Czech people. Most wouldn’t be able to point it out on a map. Most probably wouldn’t even come close to pointing at the right part of the map. Even the fact that the Czech Republic got renamed to Czechia, like, four years ago is probably lost…

Patty Mills 20 Points/0 Rebounds/0 Assists/0 Steals/0 Blocks Full Highlights (2/11/2020)

Tony Snell captured the heart of NBA fans worldwide two years ago when he recorded the immortal statline of 18/0/0/0/0. To score so many points, while having so little impact on the rest of the game going on around him, was unprecedented. Now, in the year 2020, Patty Mills has achieved the same glorious feat,…

Zion Williamson 31 Points/5 Assists Full Highlights (2/11/2020)

Zion Williamson opened his eyes from…not sleep, exactly, but something close to it. When he saw nothing but gleaming silver clouds above his head, he blinked once. Nothing changed. He closed his eyes and opened them again after a few seconds. Still no change. Somehow, he had sleepwalked and ended up outside. Or had he?…

Rui Hachimura 20 Points/2 Blocks Full Highlights (2/11/2020)

I didn’t indicate it in the title (update: I changed my mind, people have to know about this), but Rui Hachmiura had 2 blocks in this game. 2 blocks doesn’t sound like very many (probably because there’s only one positive integer lower than 2), but it really is for him. I’ll let you guess how…

Paul Millsap 22 Points Full Highlights (2/10/2020)

The Denver Nuggles came back from 23 down in this game to win by seven, and Paul “Nuggets Ruiner” Millsap was a big part of that comeback. That’s why there was so much cheering and excitement in the arena whenever Millsap hit a shot. Under normal circumstances, it is impossible for a mentally sound human…

Kelly Olynyk 12 Points/11 Assists Full Highlights (2/10/2020)

Miami Heat fans have spent most of this season hating on Kelly Olynyk for being a big seven-foot-tall sack of softness. Here’s the thing, though: big soft centers are usually more skilled than their bruising counterparts, so their wimpiness on defense and on the glass is counteracted by their ability to bamboozle the opposing defense…

Mikal Bridges 18 Points Full Highlights (2/10/2020)

It is indicative of the level of trauma that I have endured at the hands of the Suns commentators that I still cringe whenever one of their players makes a three, bracing myself for the “Proud to own the three-point zone, Fulton Homes donates one-hundred dollars to Suns charities.” that used to be omnipresent. Even…

Brook Lopez 20 Points/3 Blocks Full Highlights (2/10/2020)

I’ve implied it before, but I’ve done some hard calculations using the arcane branch of learning called “math” and I’ve finally put a real number to it. If Brook Lopez can return to his form from last year, the chances of the Bucks winning the championship rise from 97 percent to 99 percent. I’ve double…