Every NBA Player’s First Field Goal This Season (2020-21 Season Full-ilation Part II)


Part II of my full-ilation is the installation of the series where more devoted NBA fans will smirk to themselves and think, “I know who that guy is but the casuals don’t” after every clip. But these aren’t the true scrubs. True DTB acolytes know that the true scrubs are still yet to come. The guys in Part II are, frankly, just wannabe scrubs.

0:07 Theis looking like a slower, taller, and less handsome Kyle Korver here.

0:16 Lauri Markkanen in Part II? I expect this to be rectified when the Cavs give him 37 MPG per game this season.

0:45 Delon Wright being next to Goran Dragic is not right. Get it? Not RIGHT? lolmao

0:53 Sexton’s only assist of the season, and you get to watch it. What a privilege.

1:09 I’m going to go ahead and call this a Shammgod.

1:13 The commentary from Stacey King here suggests that Carter Jr. spent the entire first half of this game chucking jumsphots. Or he spent the entire first half without Coby White ever passing him the ball.

1:21 Nobody’s ever asked me to “show my chest” while playing one-on-one defense. I would proudly show off my prominent ribcage and rose-pink nips, if only they asked.

1:39 Raise your hand if you yelled “you gotta dunk that [expletive]” after you watched this clip.

2:25 Decent shot, but “heck of a play” it most certainly isn’t.

2:48 Maybe I’ve been spending too much time reading tech blogs, but all I can hear here is “OK I see you, Linux,” and I can’t figure out what’s actually being said. At all. I wonder which distro he uses.

3:00 I think a bad word got censored here. Not NBA player would self-censor like that. Not a single one.

3:22 This time they didn’t censor the bad word. I would say bad words too if Nic Batum hit a three-pointer one minute into opening night after spending an entire season in Charlotte being absolute bootyflakes.

3:46 You can tell Khem Birch is literally thinking to himself “It’s a new NBA season and I can shoot middies if I want to. Look at me. Look at me. I’m the jumpshooter now.” Then the commentator comes out and basically says the same thing.

4:44 Josh Okogie was clearly afraid of Royce O’Neale postering him for some reason. Dude, don’t run away from the play. It’s just Royce O’Neale.

4:49 Which one of these dudes is Blake Griffin?

4:56 Commentators absolutely THROWING SHADE on JaMychal Green of all people, for the heinous crime of not playing well in meaningless preseason games. Which circle of hell does that qualify him for? 3? 15?

5:12 These nauseating sideline camera angles were the worst part of the Bubble. Now I feel all dizzy and ill, and thinking about the crappy suits that Nurkic wore on the bench is not helping matters.

5:36 Who cares about Pat Connaughton? I’m watching D.J. Wilson playing in the first quarter of the Bucks’ first game while shedding a single manly tear of longing. Come back Deej.

5:50 As a skinny man myself, I feel pride when fellow skinnies manage to do things in the NBA. Way to go, Jaden McDaniels. Keep ignoring that weight room. You’re fine just the way you are.

6:12 Fifty-point scorers should not be in Part II of my full-ilation. Maybe I need to make another full-ilation that’s sorted by PPG per game. Elijah Bryant and his 16 PPG per game would love that.

6:20 Again, I sense Stacey King has some dissatisfaction with how the Bulls were running their offense in this game. Or maybe he was dissatisfied with Denzel Valentine playing like a bucket of bootyholes.

7:04 MARREESE SPEIGHTS 2.0!!!!!!

7:08 Love that chuckle of defeat when the commentator realizes that Edmond Sumner was not, in fact, going to dunk it.

7:17 James Johnson should have been credited with a steal on this play.

7:30 After making 14 field goals through his first two seasons combined, Jarred Vanderbilt more than decupled his bucket output by making 143 field goals in the 2020-21 season. I need somebody at the Elias Sports Bureau to tell me if this is some sort of record or not.

7:34 With the score of the game being what it is, I don’t blame the commentator for his obvious indifference to the action occurring in front of him.

7:50 Pokusevski missed his first fourteen field goal attempts before getting this one to go. His .412 eFG% was second-worst in the league among players to play 1,000 or more minutes. I hope he’s writing a thank-you card to Brad Wanamaker.

8:27 D-Wade jokes are too mainstream now so I’m not going to make one.

8:43 Let’s ask Raptors fans if they consider Taurean Prince to be a “rock steady pro”.

9:21 Andre Drummond passing from the post? This clip will probably be used as evidence that I doctor all my uploads and, you know what, I’m not even going to deny it.

9:29 Underrated method of getting rid of your defender: elbow them in the ear. Then dunk on the undefended basket while your defender stumbles around with concussion-like symptoms.

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