Every NBA Player’s First Field Goal This Season (2020-21 Season Full-ilation Part III)


Part III of my full-ilation is where things start to get scrubby. Dedicated NBA fans will know most of these players and will appreciate their marginal contributions to their respective teams. Casual NBA fans should proceed to Tik-Tok to watch single clips of LeBron making a juicy fart while fire emojis fly around the screen. Or whatever it is that passes for NBA highlights on Tik-Tok these days.

0:00 I guess Jeff Teague is a champion now. The thought of it brings me no joy.

0:13 Allow me to reiterate my desire for a new box-score stat, GFG, or “Goaltended Field Goals”. With this new stat in place, I would be able to only include real field goals in my full-ilation and not fake field goals like this one.

0:47 I don’t understand why there’s an echo. Were they broadcasting the commentary into the arena to make up for the lack of crowd noise?

0:52 Quick quiz: correctly place the apostrophe(s) in Bembry’s first name. Those who answer correctly will be rewarded with a free one-month subscription to Stathead (limit 0 per customer).

1:05 Having your shot described as “tossing it in” means that you should have done something with the ball other than the thing you actually did with the ball.

1:11 Hubie Brown sounds like he died of COVID and was reanimated so that he could barely wheeze through a Christmas-day game before re-dying.

1:20 How does the commentator know enough about geography to figure out that Khris Middleton and Torrey Craig are from different parts of the same state?

2:05 Bertans-Wagner two-man game. So tall. So white. So unstoppable.

2:19 I will now take a break from writing this description to rewatch Thybulle’s Bubble vlog.

2:23 What, exactly, is Jared Dudley looking like? I can’t handle this cliffhanger.

2:53 Ineffective post move followed by a blind hook shot. Andre Drummond would be proud.

3:11 Look at all of those UPS logos. UPS should be paying me to upload this video.

3:33 The first player in the video where I said to myself, “wait, this guy was in the league?” Don’t forget, I’m semi-retired, so, for the first time ever, I’m allowed to not know things about the NBA.

3:37 Thank you Jake Layman for breaking the basket. It doesn’t look broken to me but I’m sure its brokenness became apparent in subsequent possessions.

3:47 When I think “fun toy”, I think Lite-Brite or those Hot Wheels track sets, not a professional basketball player. At least, I assume Lite-Brite was fun. My parents never got me a Lite-Brite.

4:42 Caleb and Cody Martin need to be on different teams. I spent twelve days using forensic video analysis tools on their braids to try to distinguish them from each other before I realized I could just use their jersey numbers to do the distinguishing.

4:45 Is this the prettiest move of Part III? That was NAJTY.

4:50 Scal with the brutal commentary. Yeah, he is a wannabe. Not only that, but he is a player of such rank scrubbitude that you’ve NEVER EVER seen him play before, EVER, and if you did see him play you WOULDN’T EVEN REMEMBER IT

5:12 Are there any Justise Winslow believers left? Maybe I’ll ironically become a Justise Winslow believer so that I can rub it in people’s faces on the off chance he somehow resurrects his career.

5:36 Perhaps the sickest assist in the whole vid and it doesn’t even get acknowledged. I would have yelled “CHIOZZA DELIVERY” while pantomiming the consumption of a slice of pizza.

5:40 Second-year lottery picks who appear in Part III can only be called one thing, and it rhymes with “zust”.

5:45 Harkless went from starting the first game of the season (playing 22 minutes) to playing eight seconds in the Heat’s fourth game to being a DNP in game eight. Neat.

5:54 [sad emoji with one teardrop]

6:24 Boban is getting old. Time is running out for him to dominate for an entire season like we know he can. If he doesn’t get 25 MPG per game this season, I’m going to bite myself until I start crying.

7:03 JaKarr Sampson is LeBron 0.3 combined with prime Alonzo Gee. Tell me with a straight face that you wouldn’t want a player like that on your team. I dare you.

7:12 Fifty years from now, Javonte Green will pull up this clip and tell his grandkids about the time he sent Kevin Durant flying into the second row with a pristine pumpfake.

7:28 Textbook example of the “wants to dunk but is too tired” layup technique.

7:36 Bol Bol starts running up the court after his slick dime, only for Nnaji to blow it. Damn it dude. That was gonna be a NNAJTY assist.

7:49 Sixers commentators taking the whole quarter off, I guess.

7:57 Eight threes in five minutes. Never forget. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPYZpwSpKmA

8:18 I wanted to make a joke about Amir Coffey being more like “Cold Brew” than “Instant Brew”, but it turns out he shot 41% on threes last season. God damn it.

9:09 Proudly following in the footsteps of Erick Green as an NCAA-leading scorer bumming it up for the Nuggets.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.