“…OFFICIAL MOST UNEXPECTED THINGS THAT WILL HAPPEN IN THE 2016-17 NBA SEASON POWER RANKINGS”
“1. Anthony Bennett will average eight points per game. This is because the Nets will be garbage. The Nets’ garbageness will surprise nobody, but Anthony Bustett managing to bumble his way into a large number of double-digit scoring games should bamboozle even the most ardent Bennett believers.”
“2. Andrea Bargnani will return to the NBA mid-season after scoring twenty points per game for his team in Europe. Whichever team signs up will ignore the fact that, in Europe, Bargnani will have only snagged three rebounds per game despite being matched up solely against other soft Euros like himself. When he returns to the league, he will average the most midrange jumper attempts per 36.”
“3. The combined presences of Al Jefferson and Monta Ellis will cause the Pacers to miss the playoffs. The Magic will take their spot in the postseason as the seventh seed.”
“4. Bruno Caboclo will play in thirty regular-season games and two playoff games.”
“5. The 76ers, having tanked the trade market for any of their centers for making their intentions too clear, will hold on to their trio of Embiid, Okafor, and Noel for the entire season.”
“6. The Oklahoma City Thunder will miss the playoffs. Kevin Durant will make a veiled remark about during the postseason. Both Russell Westbrick and Enes KANTer-Play-Defense will average twenty points per game and zero defenses per game.”
“That’s not very unexpected,” I quipped.
“Shut up, I’m not done with the power rankings,” Adam snapped back.
“7. Not only will Chicago’s new big three of Wade, Butler, and Rondo fail to develop chemistry together, they will actually lead the Bulls to the bottom of the Central Division standings.”
“8. Chandler Parsons will totally not live up to his max contract at all. Like seriously at all.”
“9. It’s only distantly related to NBA matters, but Jalapeno Cheddar 3D Doritos will finally return to American store shelves.”
“Hell friggin’ yesssss,” I moaned.
“10. The Sacramento Kings will win 38 games. They will do this while retaining one coach for the duration of the season. Vivek Ranadive will also refrain from shuffling front-office staff for the entirety of the season.”
“11. Rasheed Wallace will appear as an analyst for an NBA-related broadcast. The duration of his screen time will be more than five minutes. He will not say ‘ball don’t lie’ during his stint, but one of his co-analysts will say it.”
“12. Chris Paul will make the conference finals for the first time in his career.”
“13. Rashad Vaughn will not be a bust.”
“14. Kyle Korver will regress to the point where he loses the starter’s job. The Hawks don’t win forty games and every other GM in the league shakily laughs as they contemplate how much they wanted to sign Dwight.”
“15. Kevin Love will be more valuable to the Cavaliers than Kyrie Irving by such a large margin that even casual fans start to talk about it.”
“16. Derrick Rose will not only fail to live up to expectations in New York, but he will legitimately be the worst starting point guard in the league. The media will inexplicably take it easy on him.”
“17. The 76ers will not be the worst team in the East when all is said and done. I’m not going to say who the worst team will be though.”
“I bet it’s the Knicks,” I shout happily. “Serves them right. Gigantic floppy triangles do not constitute pizza, that’s what I always say. I bet in a hundred million years when future archaeologists are digging up our fossils, they’re going to find some fossilized New York-style pizza and think it’s a bunch of dinosaur turds.”
“18. Toronto Raptors fans will turn on DeMar DeRozan when their team fails to meet last year’s win total. They will also turn on Dwane Casey but they’ve done that before, so nothing new there.”
“19. The Wizards implode halfway through the season and one of John Wall or Bradley Beal gets traded for a sizable haul of players and picks.”
“20. Exactly two of the items in this power ranking are false. I challenge you to determine which ones.”