If you are a TRUE DTB acolyte, you skipped the other boring parts of my full-ilation and went straight to Part IV, where the true scrubs reside. And the TRUER acolytes jumped to minute eight of this video without me even having to command them. And the TRUEST acolytes will not only recognize every player; they’ll be able to identify which training camp roster they’re on or which foreign league they’re playing for. Are you the truest of the true?
0:41 This is the type of shot selection that got Mike James booted from the league in the first place. Look at the shot clock. There’s eighteen goddamn seconds there.
0:50 Talen Horton-Tucker just bopping the ball back out through the net as if that will undo Cancar’s bucket.
0:54 Check out that score. Now I see why they weren’t letting fans in the building.
1:11 Reggie Perry is the next Reggie Evans. I’m such a genius that I only needed to watch five seconds of video to come to that stunningly accurate conclusion.
1:30 Similar to Moe Harkless in Part III, Bonga was a game-one starter who was banished from the rotation by game five of the ‘Zards season.
1:35 Fun fact: Anthony Gill was a 28-year-old rookie. Funner fact: I actually don’t have any more facts about Anthony Gill. Gillty as charged.
2:00 This dude has played four seasons in the NBA but has only appeared in 22 games. Blame his feet which are made out of bone shards and prayers.
2:21 Brantley joins Alfonzo McKinnie in the “first shot of the season is a banked-in three” club. It’s a very exclusive club. Just not the good kind of exclusive.
2:40 Keep an eye out for my new Jordan-Bone-centric spin-off channel, “DownToBone”.
3:16 There’s so much hustle in this clip that some got on me while I was editing it. Now I can type at 160 WPM.
3:36 Jalen McDaniels giving Carey a lot of encouragement on this play. Just put a mic on everybody, I wanna hear more of this.
3:40 On the subject of microphones, did they forget to mic up the rim on this one? This huge slam was totally silent. I’m so disappointed.
4:02 Hinton doing dribble moves like he’s going to need to juke somebody out, but then he realizes that nobody is even bothering to get up on him.
4:16 Dellavedova reformulated his shot (which was slow and awkward) into something even worse. It’s like he needs to rub the ball on his “down under area” before shooting it.
4:25 A guy named Jay Scrubb in Part IV of my full-ilation? The jokes write themselves. Except they don’t because I’m just staring at my screen and no Scrubb-related jokes are showing up yet.
4:52 Wait, there were TWO Cassiuses in the NBA? Who allowed this to happen?
5:05 Did those incomprehensible domestic abuse charges actually tank Kurucs’ career, or is he just lowkey not very good?
5:25 It turns out that the league did not, in fact, need to pay attention to the Cavaliers last season.
5:44 Getting called the wrong name by your own commentator. Ouch.
5:54 Part IV is supposed to be a happy video filled with joy at the success of scrubs, not a sad video filled with the last dying gasps of washed up NBA rejects.
6:04 Now that Caboclo is no longer two years away from being two years away, teams don’t want him anymore? FOH outta here.
6:38 The Brazilian Shaq is playing in Germany now. Bulls fans will have to find a new player to revile. I nominate Stanley Johnson.
6:50 Elijah Bryant just got cut from the Bucks, so if he never plays in the league again, his sixteen points in his singular NBA appearance will be an NBA record.
6:55 Spencer Dinwiddie is this year’s recipient of the “Gordon Hayward Memorial Trophy”. The trophy commemorates talented scorers who are stuck in Part IV because of injuries.
7:34 Not doing all the dunks-of-the-month videos caused me to miss sick underrated wham-jams like this one. The thought of there being additional sick dunks out there that I don’t know about is stressing me out.
7:52 The Cavs trotting out a way-past-his-prime Anderson Varejao for nostalgia reasons is not “classy” or “cool”. It’s just sad.
8:04 Out of the six shots that Kostas Antetokounmpo made in his three-year NBA career, five were dunks. You are dependent on these DTB-provided “fun facts” for the majority of your day-to-day happiness.
8:49 After this point in the video, all the players you see are making their single field goal of the 2020-21 season. If you’re not literally trembling with excitement/arousal right now, you are defective.
9:11 Imaging being so hyped for Malik Fitts that your commentary becomes disordered bordering on incomprehensible.
9:17 Friendly reminder that Jalen Lecque had the best dunk in G-League history: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuNYa48p4_8
9:31 I get the feeling that we just watched the Shump Truck make its final trash pickup.
Special shout out to Will Magnay, Ashton Hagans, Anzejs Pasecniks, Noah Vonleh, Greg Whittington, and Jared Harper for receiving NBA minutes but not scoring any NBA buckets. You the real MVP’s (miniscule value players).