Alright, guys. I’ve got some serious stuff to discuss with you. No jokes. No games.
I’ve been following the election results. You know, the American election. The presidential one. The important one, the one that affects all of us across the entire globe. I’ve been looking at those interactive map thingies, that tell you how many votes each candidate has in all the states and counties. And what I’ve seen has disappointed and dismayed me.
Am I supposed to believe that, as a dude who 40,000 subs on YouTube, that not even ONE of them would write in my name on the ballot? Seriously, check out the results for yourself; there are no votes for a “Mr. Down To Buck”, even though I compelled you guys all to vote for me yesterday. Let me guess: you spent all of today scratching your nuts and thinking about that time you almost got laid, totally forgetting to do your civic duty and let the country know who the real person most fit to lead the U.S.A. into the future is. Disgusting.
There might be other factors at play. I definitely 100% wrote in my name when I voted. But, as I said, I don’t see my name anywhere on any result tallies. Perhaps something more sinister is going on? Something sinister like… deliberately misplacing or discounting ballots adorned with the name of such a status-quo challenging luminary? Remember, friends: not everybody wants you to have free NBA League Pass just for being a citizen. Problem is, I don’t have the funds nor the political clout to challenge the government on this. I just have to sit and watch as not a single vote for me gets counted.
Whatever the case, this is the end of my presidential aspirations. I even booked a meeting room at the local Holiday Inn for my victory party, and I’m just sitting here by myself, eating all the cake, while all these god-damn green and cream balloons float sadly above my head. DAMMIT.