I wonder what kind of hippie magic Kyle Korver did to his body in the last offseason. Previous offseasons of his have featured weird hippie activities such as deep-sea diving and eating vegetables, so I can only imagine the depraved acts that he perpetrated upon his body to prepare for this season. He might have regularly purchased and consumed organic yogurt. Or gone for hiking excursions on top of mountains with a group of his closest friends and then sit around a fire sharing each other’s company. Disgusting.
Eventually these hippie rituals will cease preserving his body and he will regress like all 35-year-old NBA players do. Hopefully he also loses most of attractiveness when that happens, because I am tired of him stealing my girlfriends. It hasn’t been happening as often now that I have officially eliminated all women from my life, but it still stings, and I still hate Kyle for it. Maybe when he gets old his face will be all gaunt and he’ll start balding. That would be most excellent.