I never thought I’d say this, but I miss Mike & Mike, the old Blazers commentators. They were homers to the most homerific extent possible, they had no knowledge of the NBA outside of Portland, and the older one was definitely showing signs of Alzheimer’s, but at least they never said stupid things like “Mo Harkless Mo Problems”.
Attention whoever owns the Blazers: your hipster fanbase does not want an “urban” guy making rap references during the broadcast. It might have really seemed like a cool idea at the time but it wasn’t. Make it stop. It would have been smarter to get a young bearded guy with no basketball knowledge to talk about indie rock bands and cold-pour coffee for the entire time.
I don’t even know what cold-pour coffee is. I thought coffee was supposed to be served hot? Never mind.
Maybe we’re all part of one big focus group and they’re just giving these guys a trial run to see if we like them or not. Maybe halfway through the season they’ll switch it up totally and go with the tried-and-true “former radio guy/former NBA player” combo that many past and current teams have used with success. Or we’ll get a bearded hipster. Or, you know, they could just hire me and I could say funny stuff the entire time. Except when the pressure is on I just sound more stupid than anything.