“Dear Father,
I am sorry I was not able to come back home for Christmas this year. You know how busy our schedules are as NBA players. The foreign players do not have enough time to get home and back in just two days. Hopefully the presents I sent were well received. I certainly missed mother’s famous Purgerica Turkey this year.
But I am writing not only to extend Christmas wishes; I also write because the hair on top of my head is falling out at a terrifying pace. My previous pleas for aid in the form of Croatian folk remedies have been ignored, but they must not be ignored for any longer. I am afraid to run a comb through my hair, for every time I do so, a sizable clump of hair is pulled from my scalp. My stress and anxiety grows daily and if I did not have many responsibilities for the team in terms of scoring points (my teammates can be very helpless at times), I would be utterly consumed by despair.
I currently am growing hair on my chin and neck to divert attention from the diminishing hair on the top of my head. My hope is that American medical technology will soon advance to the point that beard hairs can be transplanted to cover my thin spots. I know you have a distrust of Americans and their inventions, but you must admit that such an operation would be of great use to many in our family.
-Your loving son, Bojan
P.S. Tell my beautiful Lucija that I will see her soon and that the should not let lecherous men tempt her with empty promises. Especially the Roma. Do not let her talk to or be seen with the Roma monkeys. They are a plague on our land and they have already cursed our family line with baldness; do not allow them to take her away from me.”