This week’s biggest busts: Pacers -4, Hornets -3, Pistons -3, Knicks -3, Lakers -3
This week’s biggest successes: Timberwolves +5, 76ers +4, Jazz +3, Wizards +3, Trail Blazers +3, Pelicans +3
1. Golden State Warriors (34-6, 3-0 this week) (last week: #1 [2-1] +0)
Stephen Curry still isn’t shooting 40% from three, a fact which makes all three-pointer enthusiasts very sad. However, Curry has wisely engaged in some creative damage control by releasing a video of himself nailing 47 out of 50 three-pointers during practice, reminding us all that he’s still got it and the only thing stopping him in-game is having to share the ball with Durant. Okay, so that second part probably wasn’t the intent of the video, but that’s what I got out of it.
2. Cleveland Cavaliers (29-10, 2-2 this week) (last week: #3 [2-1] +1)
There was much hand-wringing after Kyle Korver was acquired and the Cavs proceeded to go on a two-game slide. I personally did not engage in any wringing of the hands, but the reason for it was clear: what if, somehow, Kyle Korver’s presence totally destroyed team chemistry? Even those who were preaching patience after the two unexpected losses were engaging in a form of hand-wringing, trying to control the panic that threatened to explode from Cavaliers fans who were convinced that Kyle Korver would pave them a path straight to a second straight championship. Luckily, Korver scored 18 in a Cavs victory over the Kings, so we were spared true anarchy.
3. San Antonio Spurs (31-9, 1-2 this week) (last week: #4 [3-1] +1)
Since the beginning of December, the Spurs have had losses of four, five, two, two, and three points. In the same span, they have multiple wins with margins of 20+, and they just eviscerated the Lakers (more like FAKERS LOL) by a score of 134-94. Am I really expected to believe that a big three of Kawhi Leonard, LaMarcus Aldridge (getting up there in years) and Pau Gasol (literally old) is leading the Spurs to #2 in my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS? I refuse to believe such foolishness. There must be more going on behind the scenes. I mean, when was the last time you personally verified that the air conditioning at the AT&T center was functioning correctly? Exactly.
4. Houston Rockets (31-11, 2-2 this week) (last week: #2 [3-0] -2)
40/10/11 followed by 40/10/15 were James Harden’s lines in the first two games this week, which were both wins against legit Toronto and Charlotte teams (okay, Charlotte’s not looking so legit right now). He followed those gargantuan trippy-dubbies with a paltry 33/6/12 against the Wolves (not even a triple double) and a sad 27/3/9 against the Grizz (not even a double double). Both were losses. Note that a “sad” game for Harden is still a good game for every point guard in the league, and is a better statline than a third of starting NBA point guards can expect to attain this season.
5. Utah Jazz (26-16, 3-1 this week) (last week: #8 [2-2] +3)
“Dear Diary, It’s me again. Aren’t you tired of hearing about my life? Sometimes I get tired of thinking about it. Funny how things happen like that. Everybody talks about how the Jazz are back together and healthy and playing well, but you can tell they’re concerned about me. Their smiles say one thing but their eyes say another. I’ll be honest, I’m concerned too. I’m averaging half the points I did last season and I’ve lost my shooting touch. Coach would rather play Diaw and Lyles than me. To be honest, I’d rather those guys play in front of me. If I never came off the bench that would probably be for the best. I suck right now. Sorry for being so emo. -Derrick”
6. Toronto Raptors (26-13, 2-1 this week) (last week: #5 [2-2] -1)
If you go by ORTG, The Raptors, not the much-vaunted Rockets, are the owners of the second-best offense in the league, and they’re only slightly behind the Warriors in that particular statistic. If you told me five years ago that a team led by Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan would be a team for the ages offensively, I would have told you to share with me some of your crazy pills. Never would I have thought that a Kobe-like chucker with a range that stops at twenty feet could average 28 points per game and still have his team running smoothly. DTB’S IRRATIONAL HATE FOR DEMAR DEROZAN LEVEL: don’t talk to me
7. Los Angeles Clippers (28-14, 3-2 this week) (last week: #7 [3-0] +0)
The Clippers seem to be fully recovered from their six-game skid around Christmas, but then again, it’s hard to tell because their 3-0 record this week came as a result of a very soft schedule. They beat the Lakers by an appropriate amount of points, but only defeated the Heat by eleven and the Magic by nine. Chris Paul is still leading the league in win-shares per 48 minutes, so as long as he doesn’t get injured [ironically superstitious reference to “jinxing” goes here] the Clippers should be in good shape come playoff-time.
8. Boston Celtics (25-15, 2-1 this week) (last week: #6 [3-0] -2)
First Jae Crowder went off on fans on Twitter. Then Jae Crowder viciously poked John Wall in the nose during a postgame “extracurricular activity” (it wasn’t Chess Club). What’s coming up next week? Jae Crowder poking fans in the nose? Jae Crowder going off on John Wall on Twitter? Jae Crowder getting traded as part of a package for Gordon Hayward and then writing a best-selling memoir? More likely, nothing exciting will happen to Jae Crowder and I’ll need to find a different Celtics-related topic to poke fun at.
9. Oklahoma City Thunder (24-17, 2-1 this week) (last week: #9 [1-3] +0)
We all see what James Harden is doing as a high-usage ball-handler in Houston. The win totals are all right there for us to see. Would Russell Westbrook have the same kind of elite offensive team if he got to work with the same caliber of shooter (Ryno, Gordon, Beverley vs Sabonis, Oladipo, and ???) or would it just be similar to what he has now, which is a good but not great offense? We might get to find out as early as next year, depending on whether or not the Thunder front office manages to actually acquire talented shooters (why’d they trade Ilyasova again?).
10. Memphis Grizzlies (25-17, 2-1 this week) (last week: #12 [1-2] +2)
OFFICIAL MEMPHIS GRIZZLIES DUNK WATCH: As a team, the Grizzlies have the second-fewest dunks in the association: 88. JaMychal Green has exactly one-fourth of those. I would have you try to guess who’s next up in dunks, but you probably wouldn’t get it, so I’m just going to tell you: it’s Troy Williams. Deyonta Davis is the third place man even though he’s appeared in just half of the team’s games. Zach Randolph is still sitting at zero dunks after getting all of one the previous season. Looking back, this was a bad choice for an OFFICIAL DUNK WATCH. I very much regret it.
11. Atlanta Hawks (22-17, 1-1 this week) (last week: #11 [4-0] +0)
So last week it seemed like Paul Millsap was going bye-bye for sure, but the bye-byes were retracted, and Millsap has been told by the organization that he’s staying put for now. With this development, it becomes possible to look at the Kyle Korver trade under the “savvy trade for future asset” microscope rather than only the “Hawks are blowing it up” microscope. Declining 35-year-old jumpshooter with a failing jumpshot in exchange for a first-rounder? There are twenty-nine teams in the league right now wishing they had signed Matt Carroll at the beginning of the year so they could have traded him to the Cavs for a pick.
12. Milwaukee Bucks (20-18, 2-1 this week) (last week: #14 [2-1] +2)
The Bucks beat the Spurs without the talents of one Giannis Antetokounmpo. You know, the superstar who leads the Bucks in every statistical category? They didn’t even need him to take out the third-best team in the league. Instead, they leaned heavily on Michael Beasley, who scored 28 points, reminding us once again why he was taken second overall in the Derrick Rose draft. Insider sources tell me that after the victory, Super Cool Beas ran back to the locker room and had arena staff bring him his favorite postgame dessert, waffle fries and ice cream (with no spoon).
13. Washington Wizards (20-19, 3-1 this week) (last week: #16 [1-2] +3)
It’s kind of weird to imagine a team being in a situation where they miss Ian Mahinmi, but the Wizards might be in such a situation. Ignore for now the issue of Mahinmi’s contract. That is not material to the topic at hand. Instead, think about the Wizards’ center situation. They have Marcin Gortat, but they play his aged body as many minutes as it will withstand. They have Jason Smith, but he gives you almost none of the things you want in a center. They have Daniel Ochefu, who is a made up player. Having an Ian Mahinmi around to soak up minutes and play effectively on both sides of the ball would shore up their biggest roster weakness. Okay, now that the real basketball talk is out of the way, let’s take a moment to recall that Mahinmi will be getting paid fifteen M’s at age 34 to average 4/5/0.
14. Indiana Pacers (20-19, 0-1 this week) (last week: #10 [4-0] -4)
How is it fair that the Pacers got pretty much an entire week off just to play one game in London? With modern air travel it barely takes any longer for them to fly to across the ocean than it does for them to fly to Los Angeles. It’s hard to make any meaningful adjustment to their rank when they played just one game. Why isn’t there a rule that says teams have to play at least two games per week? The real losers here aren’t the Pacers (who lost to the Nuggets by 28 while chowing down on fish and chips during timeouts), but Pacers fans who had to figure out other things to occupy them during the entire week.
15. Portland Trail Blazers (18-24, 2-2 this week) (last week: #18 [2-1] +3)
The Blazers beat the Lakers by a lot (who doesn’t do that these days am I right?) and beat the Cavs as well (because LeBron had to sleep on the tarmac while it snowed on him and planes flew overhead), but lost to the Pistons and the Magic. And they want you to believe that they’re a lock for the eighth seed in the West. They certainly look like the best team out of the possible candidates, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the Kings or Nuggets knocked them out of it. What would help is if Al-Farouq Aminu could show up more than once this season (16 points against Detroit is now considered “showing up” for the slumpingest player in the NBA).
16. Charlotte Hornets (20-20, 0-2 this week) (last week: #13 [1-3] -3)
The Hornets used to be a feel-good story. They were making the most of what they had (not very much, when it comes down to it) and had an above-.500 record built on solid team basketball. Now they’re a “feel meh” story, having lost six of seven and seeing their much-vaunted defense take a sharp nosedive. With they mediocre 20-20 record, they rejoin the large clump of teams in the Eastern Conference that’s stuck with similar .500 records. That clump has been there for so long that I’ve given it a nickname: the “Clump of Mediocrity.” It’s where teams go if they can’t decide whether to be good or not. The Hornets have decided to bad for now, so into the clump they go.
17. Chicago Bulls (20-21, 1-3 this week) (last week: #15 [3-0] -2)
Paul Zipser unironically got 34 minutes in a loss against the Knicks. This means so many things that it’s hard to enumerate them all in one little power ranking paragraph, but I’m gonna try (it wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t purposely fill up my sentences with so much verbose garbage and so many unnecessary parentheticals). First, this means that Zipser could retire today and he would have double-digit career points. Second, this means that the Bulls are willing to try anything to find a winning combination of players (hint: Paul Zipser appearance in zero such combinations). Third, this means that Zipser is the best player on the team since he got the most minutes that game. Fourth, this means that German fans can show up to Bulls games and wave little German flags.
18. Denver Nuggets (15-23, 1-0 this week) (last week: #20 [0-4] +2)
The Nuggets traveled to England to play in the annual “NBA in London for some reason” game and beat the Pacers handily, showcasing Al Jefferson’s negative vertical leap, but more importantly, showcasing Nikola Jokic’s talents to a broader audience. Except, you know, only one in ten Brits can reliably identify the differences between a basketball and a pumpkin, so it’s unclear how much of an impression the Joker actually made on them. They probably were wondering where Kobe was more than anything else. A big man getting assists like a guard would only interest them if he were wearing a red #23 jersey that said “Jordan” on it.
19. New Orleans Pelicans (16-25, 2-1 this week) (last week: #22 [0-3] +3)
Anthony Davis sat up in his bed, eyes squinting into the darkness. He was fairly sure he had heard his bedroom door open; why else would he have jolted awake at two in the morning? There seemed to be a large shadow standing at his door, a shadow which didn’t answer to his shaky “hello?” He had half a mind to lie back down and ignore the imagined intruder, but he didn’t; instead, he flipped on his bedside light. Now, he could see who his visitor was: the Pelicans’ secondary mascot, the King Cake Baby. Its large plastic head, usually frozen into a perpetual expression of glee, was for some reason, frowning instead. It was also splattered with a dripping red substance that could have been blood. Anthony could only sit frozen in terror as the King Cake Baby took a deliberate step closer, then another, then another…
20. Detroit Pistons (18-24, 1-3 this week) (last week: #17 [2-1] -3)
There are undoubtedly many things wrong with the Pistons (you still can’t forgive them for those teal unis from two decades ago), but the most obvious issue is that Marcus Morris has forgotten to shoot since the beginning of December. Every time it looks like he maybe might have remembered how to shoot a jumper, he comes back the next game and unleashes chunks of masonry at the basket like he’s never held a basketball before in his life. If I’m Tobias Harris, and I got benched for this guy, I’m calling another player-only meeting and bringing weapons.
21. Minnesota Timberwolves (14-26, 3-0 this week) (last week: #26 [0-4] +5)
In the middle of the week, the Timberwolves beat the Rockets by fourteen points…while starting Brandon Rush in place of Zach LaVine. Is it possible that Zach LaVine’s presence in Minnesota is actually DISRUPTING THE PERFECT SYNERGY BETWEEN RUBIO AND TOWNS? This is too easy! This narrative practically writes itself! Rubio and Towns can operate together with Wiggins as a complementary scorer, but there is no room in that equilibrium to wedge in another high-volume scorer like LaVine. The only sad thing about this hot take is that its heat is made less potent by the obvious nature of the take.
22. New York Knicks (18-22, 1-2 this week) (last week: #19 [1-3] -3)
Things continue to shift and morph around me at a terrifying pace, confusing my senses and bewildering my mind. I desperately wish for respite from this madness, but here, there is no shelter to be found among the alien rocks. Suddenly, the Kristaps-sun falls burning from the heavens, a searing meteor that lands some miles away from me in a horrific explosion that temporarily blinds me. When I regain my vision, it is night in this place, but I’m not sure if the sun will ever rise again to bring the day.
23. Sacramento Kings (16-23, 1-2 this week) (last week: #21 [1-2] -2)
Somehow I just was looking at the Kings’ roster and I was caught off guard by how awful it is. There are exactly three good players on the Kings: Cousins, Gay, and Temple/Collison (if you combine them you get one good player out of two competent role-players). Then there’s a bunch of lesser role-players, a couple cast-offs from other teams, and some disappointing young players who will never develop because Sacramento exists in some kind of twilight zone were talent can only wither away. In this context of being a total talent void, any win the Kings get is like the best thing ever. If they make the playoffs I will be overcome by emotion – not sure exactly which emotion, but I will definitely be overcome by it.
24. Philadelphia 76ers (12-26, 3-1 this week) (last week: #28 [1-1] +4)
When T.J. McConnell hit that game winner in Carmelo’s face, you could see Carmelo’s soul literally sunder itself from his corporeal form and withdraw into the chaotic vortices of the shadow realm. That hazy white thing that the camera caught for half a second as McConnell sprinted down the court, fists a-pumping? That was Carmelo’s soul. Go back and review the footage. You can see it right there, escaping through his torso. The 76ers are improving though, so it’s unlikely that any future wins they might acquire will elicit that kind of reaction from the defeated party.
25. Phoenix Suns (13-27, 1-2 this week) (last week: #23 [2-1] -2)
Forget everything I ever said about Devin Booker’s shooting efficiency or his shooting inefficiency. Just forget it. All of it. Those shooting numbers, while factual, are in the past, and the past is gone now. Booker just scored 39 points in two straight games; that’s the only thing that matters now. First, he scored 39 (28 in the fourth quarter) and the Suns almost knocked off the Cavs. Then he scored 39 and the Suns successfully knocked off the Spurs (Kawhi Leonard is still stumbling around like a defeated prizefighter). This might come across as overreacting but, to honor Booker’s status as our new lord and god, I will be changing the name of this website to TheBookerReport within the next 48 hours.
26. Orlando Magic (17-25, 1-3 this week) (last week: #24 [1-3] -2)
Nikola Vucevic showed his coach that benching him was a bad idea when he pulled out the Vintage Vucevic line of thirty points and ten rebounds. Even better, the Magic managed to win that game (nobody on the Blazers’ soft front line could hope to contain him), so it was just more ammo for him to use in his argument to be the main threat on offense like he was last year. How I imagined that conversation to go: “So yeah Frank, I just scored a very efficient thirty, remind me again when Bismack last scored that many points? Oh yeah, that’s right, he’s barely scored that many all season. I’m sure his defense makes up for it. That’s why we’re the 17th best defense in the league. Anyway, see you around coach.”
27. Dallas Mavericks (12-27, 1-1 this week) (last week: #27 [1-2] +0)
The Mavericks are still awful and they will remain awful for the rest of the season, but there are some things happening in Dallas that will make the second half of the season somewhat more watchable. First, Dirk scored 18 in one game and 26 in the other this week, which is pretty much like Prime Dirk if you don’t scrutinize it too much. We can expect more Prime Dirk performances in the future. Second, Deron Williams is rounding into form and now occasionally will look like a basketball player who you wouldn’t mind having on your team. 23 and 12 is a Prime Deron line, and it also happens to be the line he dropped on the Suns. Prime Bogut, however, is never coming back.
28. Los Angeles Lakers (15-29, 1-3 this week) (last week: #25 [2-2] -3)
Brandon Ingram averaged nearly thirteen points per game on over 50% shooting this week, by far the best week of his young career. However, this team of youngsters (plus Deng and Mozgov) still can’t defend anything. Since their magical streak of not-horrible play came to an end at the beginning of December, they’ve only twice held their opponents under 100 points. Related to this is the fact that they’re dead last in blocked shots per game. I bet if Kobe was around he would go out there on a ruptured Achilles and block four shots a game himself.
29. Miami Heat (11-30, 0-3 this week) (last week: #29 [1-3] +0)
James Johnson unleashed a Rubio-esque ten-point, twelve-assist statline against the Bucks this week, but that feat failed to win the game for them, just like nearly every individual feat that a Heat player is capable of would fail to single-handedly ensure victory. Other Heat feats this week that didn’t put any additional checkmarks in the win column: Hassan Whiteside’s 28/20 on 13-of-17 shooting; Luke Babbitt scoring a season-high 16 without once jumping more than an inch off the floor; Udonis Haslem getting ritualistically trotted out for appearances’ sake; or Rodney McGruder scoring one point in thirty minutes.
30. Brooklyn Nets (8-31, 0-4 this week) (last week: #30 [0-3] +0)
The Nets are far and away the worst team in the NBA right now. The 76ers were neck-and-neck in suckage for a while, but they’ve shown improvement (not just Embiid-fueled projections for improvement), while the Nets have only shown futility, sadness, and the inability to hold on to any close games they might manufacture for themselves. Since they are an NBA squad with a roster full of actual NBA players, they still can technically compete in every game that they play, but their chances of producing a consistent four quarters of winning basketball seem to get smaller with every passing day. I wouldn’t bet on the #30 spot in my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS ever being occupied by a non-Nets team this year (so the Hor-Nets still count).