This week’s biggest busts: Bucks -6, Trail Blazers -5, Kings -5
This week’s biggest successes: Hornets +6, Pistons +5, Heat +4
1. Golden State Warriors (37-6, 3-0 this week) (last week: #1 [3-0] +0)
73 wins is still a distinct possibility for this Warriors team which is first in offensive rating, first in defensive rating, and first in number of people on the internet who hate them. It seems like a forgone conclusion that a 73-win team that adds an MVP-caliber player to the roster should improve, but the Warriors losing their first game by thirty set their expectations way back. Nobody really thought that they would challenge their record-setting win total from last season, and it’s still a long-shot, but it could definitely happen. And when it does, you’ll remember how DTB held fast in his belief during the dark times.
2. San Antonio Spurs (34-9, 3-0 this week) (last week: #3 [1-2] +1)
Pau Gasol just exploded his hand and there’s no Tim Duncan walking through that door to bring salvation (unless it’s in a mentoring role) but who cares? Dejounte Murray, the one always thought to be the lesser Murray of the 2016 draft, scored 24 points! It took him a full 34 minutes to amass those points, which represent the new high mark of his emergent career, but it wasn’t bad for a guy whose minutes had only twice crept above ten minutes. And, you know, Gasol was old anyway. He’s not exciting anymore. And that’s what DTB’S OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS are all about – excitement!
3. Houston Rockets (34-13, 3-2 this week) (last week: #4 [2-2] +1)
Mike D’Antoni AKA Pringles Man was recently caught on audiotape complaining about the Rockets’ schedule, which has been, in his opinion, way too arduous. The Rockets might be hindered by their schedule (which has featured an unreasonable amount of home-away back-to-backs), but I would like to invite Pringles Man to come look at MY schedule. I have to make highlights all day and then every week I have to squeeze out thirty paragraphs of drivel for these power rankings. My personal strength-of-schedule is like a million right now. Maybe even two million. And every single day is a back-to-back. Nobody else is allowed to complain. Especially people with dumb mustaches.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers (30-12, 1-2 this week) (last week: #2 [2-2] -2)
Everybody was hyped for the Finals preview between the Cavs and the Warriors. Everybody except me (I’d rather watch two scrub teams going at it). Then the Cavs rolled over and died halfway through the first quarter, then rolled over and died AGAIN in the second quarter, and at halftime they were down by 34. The big three shot 13-of-43 from the field, officially making them the “little three”, at least for this game (get it? do you get my joke?). Hopefully in the real Finals the Cavs put up more of a fight or the sweep will be so convincing that the NBA might have to retroactively revoke their first championship.
5. Utah Jazz (29-16, 3-0 this week) (last week: #5 [3-1] +0)
Utah Jazz: are they contenders yeah or nah? Let’s take a look at the facts. Fact #1: They are in possession of the best center in the NBA. Yeah I said it. Fact #2: They are in possession of one of the West’s top three point guards (not Exum, Mack, or Neto). Fact #3: Gordon Hayward plays Hearthstone on Twitch. If you don’t know what those things are then you’re not cool enough to know. Fact #4: They have championship experience because some of MJ’s ball sweat is still in the locker room. Fact #5: They play defense, and defense wins championships. OFFICIAL FINAL VERDICT: The Jazz might be championship contenders.
6. Toronto Raptors (28-15, 2-2 this week) (last week: #6 [2-1] +0)
Trouble in paradise (if a place as cold as Canada could ever be considered a paradise): the Raptors lost to the sneaky-good 76ers while scoring just 89 points, then scored an anemic 78 against the Hornets, who crushed them by 35. This team might belong entirely to Lowry and DeRozan, but they apparently do need some kind of help from their supporting cast in order to win games. It doesn’t even need to be a lot of help. It just needs to be more than having Terrence Ross score five points on 2-of-9 from the field and still being the fourth-highest scorer on the team.
7. Atlanta Hawks (26-18, 4-1 this week) (last week: #11 [1-1] +4)
Mike Dunleavy, whom I already yearn to punch in the face with a closed fist, became an even more attractive target for punching when it seemed like he was going to refuse to report to the Hawks. However, his punchability status has dropped back down to normal levels after he manned up and finally agreed to put on the ugly/awesome triangle-covered Hawks jersey. Then he went and scored twenty points in a game, showing the fans of Atlanta that he was committed to their cause of making the playoffs, not just as a bench towel-waver but as a box-score contributor as well (his commitment was not effected by him scoring zero and two points in the subsequent games).
8. Los Angeles Clippers (29-16, 1-2 this week) (last week: #7 [3-2] -1)
Chris Paul is injured again, but that’s too easy and obvious a topic for my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS. Let’s come up with something that doesn’t have to do with Chris Paul or his primary backups at the point guard position, Raymond “Fatty” Felton and Austin “Daddy’s Boy” Rivers. How about DeAndre Jordan and how he’s running away with the “most dunks in the NBA” title, AGAIN? Historically, only Dwight Howard ever came close to the amount of dunks that DeAndre levies on his hapless defenders. What a time to be alive, my friends. Hopefully somebody can throw him lobs while CP3 nurses his thumb.
9. Boston Celtics (26-17, 1-2 this week) (last week: #8 [2-1] -1)
The Celtics sustained their first back-to-back losses since the middle of December, and it was against two teams they probably should not have lost to: the Knicks and the Blazers. Isaiah “Not a Superstar” Thomas averaged forty in the two losses in addition to scoring 35 in the Celtics’ one win this week. However, the two losses also saw Thomas’ counterpart on the opposing team having very good games. You know where I’m going with this: Isaiah Thomas needs his teammates to help him out more on defense since he’s not physically capable of defending anything other than a literal corpse.
10. Charlotte Hornets (23-21, 3-1 this week) (last week: #16 [0-2] +6)
Roy Hibbert surprised everyone this week, including possibly himself and his own parents, by scoring sixteen points in one game against the Trail Blazers. That’s right, one game – not ten games spread out over two weeks! Splashing jumpers like prime Dirk and dunking like prime Shaq, Hibbert reminded us why he was an All-Star not once, but twice. All he needed was a tissuey Portland front line to abuse (Meyers Leonard, in a full-body cast, waves hello from his hospital bed) and some lenience from his coach (Hibbert shooting shots outside the paint should be a benchable offense).
11. Oklahoma City Thunder (25-19, 1-2 this week) (last week: #9 [2-1] -2)
Russell Westbrook hitting the deck after being shoved/punched/roundhoused by Zaza Pachulia: flop or not flop? A slowed-down replay clearly shows Westbrook getting poked in the face and then lightly slapped, but Westbrook’s response to the poke seems disproportionate to the intensity of the poke. He rolls around on the ground for a bit, clutching his face like a soccer player who just got breathed on by a butterfly, then just gets up like it didn’t hurt at all. DTB’S OFFICIAL VERDICT: That was a flop and Westbrook should be fined a million dollars tomorrow for it.
12. Washington Wizards (23-20, 3-1 this week) (last week: #13 [3-1] +1)
The Wizards almost had themselves a perfect week, but a late comeback attempt against the Pistons fell just a little bit short thanks to the efforts of one Marcus Morris, so they instead go 3-1 for the second straight week. Looking back, it’s crazy that they were as low as #26 on my week five power rankings, especially since their main problem then (lack of bench production) is still a problem now. Marcus “Fatty” Thornton is currently the highest-scoring bench player on the Slammin’ Sorcerers, scoring 6.6 points per contest but lately having fallen totally out of the rotation. I expect them to package up their extra shooting guards for some kind of credible bench threat, or at least somebody with an acceptable body fat percentage, before the deadline.
13. Memphis Grizzlies (26-20, 1-3 this week) (last week: #10 [2-1] -3)
If the season ended today, Andrew Harrison would be the proud owner of the worst shooting percentage ever at just a hair over 30%. “Ever” meaning in the shot-clock era, and limited to players who played twenty minutes per game in at least forty games. Basically, the superior(?) Harrison twin would be the worst-shooting rotation player in modern NBA history. Right now I’m actually kind of rooting for him to finish the season under 30%; I know it’s a little bit perverse but I like to watch history get made in grotesque and astonishing ways. That’s also why I’m rooting for next year’s Nets to not win a single game.
14. Indiana Pacers (22-21, 2-2 this week) (last week: #14 [0-1] +0)
Myles Turner logged onto his computer as he did every night. Opening up a web browser, he opened his usual plethora of tabs: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, all these sites and more were represented. On each of these platforms, he had registered multiple dummy accounts. If the media wasn’t going to hype him up appropriately for his outstanding on-court performances, he would have do it himself. He logged in to Facebook with one of these fake accounts and immediately got to work. “Myles Turner is way better than this loser,” he typed as a comment underneath an official NBA posting about Derrick Rose. “Indiana would have fewer than ten wins if Myles Turner wasn’t a beast night in and night out,” he announced on a Kevin Durant video. A group about gluten-free recipes received “16 points per game on 53% shooting is great for a second-year player like Myles Turner”. Some of these postings generated confused responses, but Myles didn’t care. His name had to get out there in the absence of the media hype machine, and this was the most reliable way he knew how.
15. Detroit Pistons (21-24, 3-0 this week) (last week: #20 [1-3] +5)
There’s something troubling going on in Detroit right now. When Andre Drummond is on the court, opposing teams have a great offensive rating, but when he leaves the court, teams magically have a much harder time scoring the ball. In fact, the team’s defensive rating when Drummond gets his butt cheeks comfortable on the bench would be the best in the league, if it happened all the time. Unfortunately, Drummond is the franchise player, and you can’t just bench him in order to give Aron Baynes and Boban Marjanovic all the center minutes. Quick! Trade him before other teams realize!
16. Denver Nuggets (18-24, 3-1 this week) (last week: #18 [1-0] +2)
It’s official (or at least official as trade rumors can get): the Nuggets are looking to move malcontent Jusuf Nurkic from the roster. Teams will remember how effective he looked before Jokic came in and ruined everything, so his trade value isn’t as bad as it seems. Except it is, because the Nuggets are probably sounding really desperate on the phone. They’ll turn down the lowball offers for now, but as the deadline approaches, they’ll move him for anything: second-round pick packages, low-quality players on bad contracts, shipments of fans to make the Pepsi Center less depressingly empty, depleted ice cream cartons, anything. In case you’re wondering, the ice cream cartons are my offer for Nurkic.
17. Chicago Bulls (22-23, 2-2 this week) (last week: #17 [1-3] +0)
You know you’re in a bad situation when Michael Carter-Williams can be legitimately playing the worst basketball of his life and he’s still the most sensible option as starting point guard. His scoring and assists are both down considerably, his shooting has regressed badly (perhaps due to the Bulls’ comical lack of spacing), and his fouling rate is up, but he still does less damage to the team than Rajon Rondo does. At least, that’s the conventional wisdom. I’m still not convinced that Rondo, who can’t score but can pass, is a worse option than MCW, who can neither score nor pass. New plan: stop giving Isaiah Canaan DNP’s.
18. Milwaukee Bucks (20-23, 0-5 this week) (last week: #12 [2-1] -6)
The Bucks are in total free-fall but that’s okay because Giannis is already a superstar and he’s got a star-in-the-making sidekick in Jabari Parker. That their point guard rotation consists of two backup-level players and one very old dude is a big problem, but one that outsiders can easily miss in the blinding radiance of Giannis’ stardom. Just few weeks ago the Bucks looked like they had a playoff spot locked up, but it’s nowhere near a certainty anymore as they continue to lose to bad teams like the Heat and Magic. In fairness to them, Bucks fans should have learned by now never to get their hopes up.
19. New Orleans Pelicans (17-27, 1-2 this week) (last week: #19 [2-1] +0)
Losing to the Nets is bad enough, but allowing them to score 143 points is about the worst thing that can happen to your team. The Warriors scoring 200 in regulation would be less embarrassing. I feel like a lot of people attribute losses like these to lack of “effort” or “not wanting it enough”, but the fact of the matter is that sometimes teams lose because they suck, plain and simple. The players probably tried at least as hard as they do in any other game, it’s just that their defense sucked and their near-league-worst was not nearly enough to make up for it. There doesn’t need to be a deeper reason. They’re just prone to sucking this year even with Holiday back in the lineup, and against the Nets they happened to suck extra hard and with extra vigor.
20. Portland Trail Blazers (19-27, 1-3 this week) (last week: #15 [2-2] -5)
Mason Plumlee stared at the front page of nba.com, his anger growing with every passing moment. There was another article practically fellating the ball-distribution talents of alleged future star Nikola Jokic, the third one this week alone. Meanwhile, Mason himself had not gotten front-page treatment more than a few times the whole season. The injustice of it was maddening. Mason knew he and he alone was the OG big man passer, and that this Euro pretender had co-opted Mason’s play style for his own. Angrily, he grabbed his coat to head to the practice facility and work on his floater. Maybe if he had an unstoppable floater game like that other guy, people would appreciate him more.
21. Philadelphia 76ers (15-27, 3-1 this week) (last week: #24 [3-1] +3)
Like the Wizards, the 76ers are six and two in their last eight games, and also like the Wizards, the 76ers missed out on a perfect week with a loss to the Hawks on Saturday night. However, unlike the Wizards, the 76ers were never supposed to be this good. They were supposed to flounder in the bottom three of the power rankings at least until Simmons came back. They might very well end up back there at some point (because the point guard rotation of McConnell and Rodriguez is unrivaled in its awfulness, and Simmons might not help much as a rookie) but I won’t ruin the magic with any additional words. It’s too magical.
22. Minnesota Timberwolves (15-28, 1-2 this week) (last week: #21 [3-0] -1)
Out of the Timberwolves’ “big three” (Rubio doesn’t count because he is not big in stature nor in scoring), only Andrew Wiggins actually makes the team better when he’s on the court (according to the infallible on/off stats). Karl-Anthony Towns cancels out his apparently awful defense with outstanding offense; Zach LaVine tanks the Timberwolves’ defense hard while not improving their offense all that much. Actually, maybe this stat is fallible after all: John Lucas III’s stats tell us that the team is 46 points better when he plays. Ignore everything I just wrote. No stat that vouches for John Lucas’ goodness, even faced with an impossibly small sample size, is a stat that should be relied on.
23. New York Knicks (19-26, 1-4 this week) (last week: #22 [1-2] -1)
I stumble blindly through the darkness, and in the absence of visual stimuli, my brain crafts horrific scenes for my eyes to feast upon. The crying baby has returned, the genesis of this entire morbid nightmare. Its stomach is still split open, but inside the wound is not gory entrails, but a piece of paper on which is written the words “no-trade clause”. I feel my feet trip over an unseen outcropping, but even as I tumble to the ground, I cannot wrench myself out of this vision. What does the paper mean? What does any of this mean? My ears are filled with the sounds of the child’s wails.
24. Phoenix Suns (14-29, 1-2 this week) (last week: #25 [1-2] +1)
Brandon Knight’s minutes are taking a huge hit and all signs are pointing towards the Suns wanting him gone, but his production/contract size ratio is way out of whack, which hurts his value around the league. It’s gotten to the point where he probably doesn’t even get invited to team functions anymore just so they don’t have to be reminded he exists except during games. Reminder: we currently live in a universe where a guy who almost was an All-Star just two years ago is getting his minutes stolen from him by a malevolent midget named Tyler Ulis.
25. Miami Heat (14-30, 3-0 this week) (last week: #29 [0-3] +4)
Is Hassan Whiteside the only thing keeping the Heat from being the worst team in the league right now? He’s a component of all their most successful lineups, he’s their second-leading scorer, he’s their leading rebounder by a huge margin (Whiteside’s at 14 per game – runner up James Johnson is barely cracking five), and he’s the tallest guy on the team, an underrated quality in a basketball player. Sure, his field goal percentage is down and his block percentage has cratered, but those things are only happening because he’s using every ounce of energy in his body to keep the fans under the perilously-maintained illusion that LeBron still dons the Heat black and red. Nobody tell them what really happened – trust me, it’s better this way.
26. Dallas Mavericks (14-29, 2-2 this week) (last week: #27 [1-1] +1)
OFFICIAL DTB DIRK WATCH: Dirk started off the week well, scoring 17, 10, and 19 points on decent percentages. Then he crashed and burned against the Jazz, scoring three points on one made field goal (thirteen attempts) in a performance that would have been profoundly sad had anybody outside Utah or the Dallas-Fort Worth metro area been watching it. In the same game, Rudy Gobert had 27 points and 25 rebounds. It was like a mini World War II except instead of Germany kicking France’s ass, it was the other way around, and the losing side didn’t even try to keep from getting invaded. Poor Dirk.
27. Orlando Magic (18-27, 1-2 this week) (last week: #26 [1-3] -1)
Nikola Vucevic CALLED his team OUT. He put them on BLAST. Not just for sucking, but for SELFISHLY sucking. It’s like he’s doing my job for me. I don’t even have to watch Magic games to find out if their ball movement sucks or whether or not Jeff Green’s badness has rubbed off on the rest of the team in the form of cringe-inducing ISO plays. Vucevic just straight up told us about it, painting a clear picture of nowadays Magic basketball without us having to watch them play for ourselves. The hot take was written without me having to even write it. Thanks Vooch. You’re a bro.
28. Sacramento Kings (16-27, 0-4 this week) (last week: #23 [1-2] -5)
Rudy Gay going down with a torn Achilles spells doom for the Kings’ playoff chances. Gay’s style of play has been out of vogue in the modern NBA, but he was nevertheless one of the few “plus” players on the Kings; lineups benefit from his presence because when he’s on the court that means none of the other Kings players have to do things that they can’t do (like score, pass, or defend). If they were going to make the postseason (something that was becoming a long-shot even before the injury), it was going to be largely due this efforts. Luckily, a bunch of websites already have mock drafts up for Kings fans to peruse.
29. Los Angeles Lakers (16-31, 1-2 this week) (last week: #28 [1-3] -1)
I think we can all admit to ourselves that we overrated coach Luke Walton just a teeny, eensy-weensy bit at the beginning of the season. And by “we” I mean “other NBA fans” because I personally believe that all coaches are overrated by nature of them being coach. But who could really blame the fans? They knew all about Walton’s pedigree, and the results seemed to be speaking for themselves (young, hungry team punching above their weight – remember that narrative?), but now the Lakers just flat-out suck on both sides of the ball. Byron Scott would have fewer wins with this roster, but it wouldn’t be THAT many fewer. Players matter more than the coach by a factor of ten unless you are within twenty miles of San Antonio, in which case the factor is reduced to five.
30. Brooklyn Nets (9-34, 1-3 this week) (last week: #30 [0-4] +0)
Just the fact that the Nets managed to score 143 points in a single game, with no one player scoring more than 23, should be enough to grant the Nets one or two pity rankings in my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS so they don’t have to be stuck at #30 for the entire season. For reference, only the Warriors have scored more points in a game this year, and they only did it once, AND they required a roster chock-full of All-Stars to achieve that total. The Nets have no All-Stars to lean on unless Brook Lopez makes it. This could be used as an example of superb team play that other teams should try to emulate, but I’m thinking the Nets just got lucky.