This week’s biggest busts: Bucks -6, Hornets -5, Pistons -4, Bulls -4, Clippers -4
This week’s biggest successes: Celtics +5, Thunder +5, Heat +5
1. Golden State Warriors (40-7, 3-1 this week) (last week: #1 [3-0] +0)
Losing to the Heat is bad enough. Losing to the Heat because of a Dion Waiters buzzer-beater three might be the worst thing in the world. The Warriors have enough wins this season to soothe the pain a little bit (not to mention the fact that they probably won’t be dethroned from the #1 spot in my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS this year), but the pain’s still there and it’s still painful. I mean, Dion Waiters. Dion Waiters! It wasn’t even Goran Dragic or Wayne Ellington. It was Dion Waiters. If Curry had accidentally shot a three into his own basket as time expired, that would be less annoying than having Mr. Buckets Don’t Lie prove his stupid quote correct at the least opportune moment.
2. San Antonio Spurs (36-10, 2-1 this week) (last week: #2 [3-0] +0)
A sixteen-point loss to the Pelicans was the Spurs’ second-worst loss of the season. Of course, since it’s the Spurs, nobody punched a reporter afterwards, nobody called out their teammates or the fans, and nobody used swear words when addressing the media (I hope Kawhi said “indubitably” though). The biggest news in San Antonio this week was Joel Anthony proving he’s still got it by scoring four points in that same loss I was just talking about. I don’t know if he really should be playing real minutes in real games, but if he’s a threat to score four points in eight minutes, maybe I should reconsider my outdated notions.
3. Houston Rockets (35-15, 1-2 this week) (last week: #3 [3-2] +0)
The Rockets were just 1-2 last week, including a loss to the cratering Bucks, but every other top team is currently in the midst of some kind of crisis so the rankings came down to a judgment of which team’s crises are most severe. Since the Rockets have James Harden, and since James Harden is apparently capable of scoring fifty points while also attaining a trippy-dubby, and also since James Harden isn’t currently calling out his teammates for not being good enough at basketball (I would totally understand if he wanted to badmouth Corey Brewer to the media), everything will probably turn out okay in Houston.
4. Boston Celtics (29-18, 3-1 this week) (last week: #9 [1-2] +5)
After losing the “funeral game” (as it will come to be known in NBA lore) to the Wizards, the Celtics pulled off three straight wins, and they picked a good time to do so as the teams around them in my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS all are suffering one setback or another. Isaiah Thomas averaged thirty and nine in the C’s four games this week, which sounds awesome until you realize that’s mostly in line with his season averages, and then it becomes less awesome. In the same span, Tyler Zeller appeared in an average of .5 games per game, which was way higher than his January average of 0 games per game.
5. Cleveland Cavaliers (31-14, 1-2 this week) (last week: #4 [1-2] -1)
LeBron (the real GM of the Cavaliers) put Dan Gilbert (the puppet GM of the Cavaliers) on BLAST for not acquiring enough good players before the season started. Then he put Kay Felder and DeAndre Liggins on BLAST for sucking. In the meantime the Cavs are losing a bunch of games, tensions are running high in the locker room, and the team’s nightly ice cream socials are switching from daily to weekly. AND the toppings bar at the ice creams socials was reduced from ten different types of sprinkles to four. Maybe if LeBron wants a playmaker he could convince Luke Ridnour to come out of retirement with the promise of free ice cream every week, no strings attached, just scoop as much as you want into a bowl.
6. Oklahoma City Thunder (28-19, 3-0 this week) (last week: #11 [1-2] +5)
The big news in OKC this week is that Enes Kanter blew up his forearm punching a chair. I don’t get why this is such a big deal considering that Kanter has had high-profile run-ins with furniture before. 2011: Kanter trips over somebody’s foot on draft night and gashes his forehead on a table. 2012: Kanter finds out his favorite TV show got cancelled so he tries to pick up his TV stand so that he can throw it, but only throws out his back. 2014: Kanter sees a novelty end-table shaped like the state of Utah, does a WWE-style elbow drop on it, and dislocates his shoulder.
7. Utah Jazz (30-19, 1-3 this week) (last week: #5 [3-0] -2)
If the Jazz didn’t seem to have such good chemistry on the court, I would be assuming right now that Rudy Gobert strongly resents Gordon Hayward for the latter’s inclusion on the West All-Stars. Now would be a perfect time for Gobert to subtly undermine Hayward’s season by making veiled comments about him to the media or by blatantly missing shots when Hayward stands to get an assist. Instead, Gobert will make his wry comments on social media and the Jazz will go back to being perhaps the best non-contending team in the league. With so many other teams facing locker room meltdowns, is it so wrong to want the same for the Jazz?
8. Toronto Raptors (29-18, 1-3 this week) (last week: #6 [2-2] -2)
“Finally,” the jaded Raptors fan thinks to himself. “With DeRozan injured, Valanciunas will finally get his deserved chance to be showcased in the offense! With Kyle Lowry feeding him easy pick-and-roll baskets and without DeRozan’s sticky hands confounding ball movement, he will certainly average twenty and ten if not more!” But as the games unfold, Valanciunas is somehow less effective than before, and at times he appears to get outplayed by Lucas Nogueira. “It’s all C-C-Casey’s fault,” the Raptors fan whimpers to himself, near tears. “If only JV was m-m-more appropriately used…but Casey’s too st-st-stupid.”
9. Washington Wizards (26-20, 3-0 this week) (last week: #12 [3-1] +3)
The Wizards pulled off one of the weirder acts of regular-season rivalry in recent memory by arriving to a game against the Celtics dressed in all black. Get it? Because it’s like a funeral? This statement of…something…was met with bemusement by fans of the other 28 teams not involved. In my personal opinion (which is relevant here because these are my power rankings and not yours), a whole squad should only coordinate in black like that if they’re some kind of heavy metal band. Otherwise, coordinating outfits is hella lame, funeral or no funeral. Joke’s on me, though; the Wizards won that game.
10. Atlanta Hawks (27-20, 1-2 this week) (last week: #7 [4-1] -3)
Stop the presses! Stop the presses! The Hawks have Gary Neal and I somehow was ignorant of that fact until this week. If there’s one player I irrationally dislike more than Mike Dunleavy, it’s Gary Neal. And Stephen Jackson. But also Gary Neal. Luckily, with Tim Hardaway Jr. and Thabo Sefolosha on the roster, there’s not much opportunity for Neal to get in games. There is opportunity, however, for him to remind everybody that he was a vital cog in some elite Spurs machines back in the day. I don’t know if he’s making use of that opportunity but if I was him I would never let anybody forget it.
11. Memphis Grizzlies (28-21, 2-1 this week) (last week: #13 [1-3] +2)
Marc Gasol scored 42 points against the Raptors, the highest-scoring game of his career (including middle school most likely – have you seen that pic of him as a youngster? he put the tubby in tubby-wubby). Now he has officially added his name to the official list of players scoring twenty points per game, a list whose length stands at over thirty players. I will be first to admit that I never thought that Gasol – the guy who was always an efficient scorer, but rarely a high-volume one – would ever average so many points, especially at the ripe old age of 32, but he’s doing it. The numbers don’t lie. I sometimes wish they did but they don’t.
12. Los Angeles Clippers (30-18, 1-2 this week) (last week: #8 [1-2] -4)
In the past I have mocked the Clippers’ seemingly inability to ever acquire a decent small forward. So, in theory, I should be in support of their rumored interest in the disgruntled Carmelo Anthony (or is it Phil who is disgruntled?). But I’m not. Any trade for Carmelodramatic will gut the Clippers’ already sub-par bench and the fit isn’t great, although, to be fair, Melo doesn’t really fit many places. And, you know, with Carmelo on the roster, the Clippers would theoretically have four stars, which is basically what you need to challenge the Warriors/Spurs hegemony in the West. Who cares about the bench? Your bench doesn’t matter in the playoffs. That’s what smart people tell me anyway.
13. Indiana Pacers (24-22, 2-1 this week) (last week: #14 [2-2] +1)
Paul George is an All-Star again this year, but excitement for him has leveled off as he languishes on a mediocre team, and it seems like everybody has given up on him becoming a true superstar in the league. His numbers have clearly improved from last year, and he’s leading the league in free-throw percentage (is that the only criteria for being an All-Star these days? Somebody call up Jose Calderon!), but his team is not expected to make noise in the playoffs (assuming they don’t fall out of the playoffs totally). If he wanted to drum up excitement he would do one of two things: start a feud with Monta Ellis or dunk it more often than once every three games.
14. Denver Nuggets (21-25, 3-1 this week) (last week: #16 [3-1] +2)
When Nikola Jokic (the only Nuggets player who can ever be discussed in my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS) went down to the floor clutching his thigh after challenging a Devin Booker layup attempt, the collective universe held is breath. Then he got up and walked gingerly to the locker room while Mike Miller cooed words of support in Serbian, and the held breath was released, but we were still uneasy. The doctors say his “hip flexor” will be better soon but they could just be lying to us so that we don’t get too sad. It didn’t work, though. I’m still really sad.
15. Charlotte Hornets (23-25, 0-4 this week) (last week: #10 [3-1] -5)
Right after it seemed like they had recovered from their five-game losing streak, the Hornets lost all four of their games this week, including close losses to the Knicks and Kings. The Hornets have regularly gotten boned by late-game bad luck, so close losses are no stranger to a fanbase which spends most of its time pointing at all the fancy stats which place their team in the top third of the league. Of note: Kemba Walker averaged 23 shots per game this week, which is Russell Westbrook territory, except for the “average a triple double” part.
16. New Orleans Pelicans (19-28, 2-1 this week) (last week: #19 [1-2] +3)
The three best three-man combos for the Pelicans involve Solomon Hill in some way. The bottom four three-man combos involve Buddy Hield. One of them is widely lambasted as being an overpaid scrub who had two good months for the Pacers last season because he knew he would get paid the big bucks if he did so. The other is a much-hyped NBA-ready prospect with a sweet jumper who was considered to be ROTY material before the season started. Can you guess which one is which? If you can’t, you’re frankly a moron, because I gave you a lot of hints. A LOT of hints.
17. Portland Trail Blazers (21-27, 2-0 this week) (last week: #20 [1-3] +3)
Rather than dissect real on-court basketball in my OFFICIAL POWER RANKINGS, something that I’m not terribly qualified to do, instead I will summarize Twitter beefs because they’re easy to understand and they’re a lot of fun. The latest Twitter beef involved Chandler Parsons (the perpetually-injured one) telling the Blazers to have fun in the lottery, then C.J. McCollum (he of the unstoppable midrange jumper) responding that the Blazers won the lottery by not paying Parsons a huge and regrettable contract. Parsons either was salty at this comment or legitimately didn’t care because he responded that he HAD won the lottery by tricking the Grizzlies into paying him so much money. In other news, the Blazers won both their games this week but their playoff-worthiness remains very much in doubt.
18. Philadelphia 76ers (17-28, 2-1 this week) (last week: #21 [3-1] +3)
I want Jahlil Okafor to get traded and I don’t want to wait anymore. I’m tired of waiting. It’s getting more and more obvious that he has no future in the land of the cheesesteaks (I probably said that about Noel a month ago but I’m not going to risk checking), so why not trade him to a team that will use him? Don’t talk to me about “negative on-court impact” or any of that stats mumbo-jumbo. Just trade him to a team that will give him real-life minutes so we can watch him hold the ball like a grapefruit and do weird spin moves.
19. Detroit Pistons (21-26, 0-2 this week) (last week: #15 [3-0] -4)
DTB’S OFFICIAL INTERESTING STAT THAT YOU COULD LOOK UP TOO IF YOU KNEW HOW TO USE STATS.NBA.COM: As of this writing, Reggie Jackson is tied for first place in percentage of shots made unassisted. Chris Paul is also at 82.3% (there are other players higher than them but none of them are rotation players). What does this tell us about the Pistons offense? It’s obvious: nobody on the Pistons wants to pass Reggie Jackson the ball because of that disastrous team meeting they had a few weeks ago. So if Reggie wants to score he has to wait until a teammate has no choice but to give him the ball, then do something with it by himself. SMH.
20. Miami Heat (18-30, 4-0 this week) (last week: #25 [3-0] +5)
The Heat are on a seven-game winning streak like it’s the big three era again, a winning streak which includes victories over the Rockets and the Warriors. This is good for their fans who just want to see quality basketball, but bad for their fans who understand the need to supplement the roster with one of the players to be found near the top of the allegedly-stacked 2017 draft. Dion Waiters was supposed to be the tank commander, not Captain Clutch supplemented by his Clutch Lieutenant, Okaro White.
21. Chicago Bulls (23-25, 1-2 this week) (last week: #17 [2-2] -4)
Either the Bulls or the Cavs officially became the first team to implode this season. While LeGM was throwing his teammates under the bus in Cleveland, Dwyane Wade and Jimmy Butler were doing the same thing in Chicago by insinuating that they were the only two on the team who gave consistent effort. Then Rajon Rondo threw THOSE guys under the bus for not behaving like “true” veterans. Meanwhile, dudes like Doug McDermott, Jerian Grant and Nikola Mirotic are thinking to themselves, “it’s not like we’re not trying, it’s just that we kind of suck on an individual level right now, and that’s not going to change no matter how much effort we show on the court.”
22. Minnesota Timberwolves (18-29, 3-1 this week) (last week: #22 [1-2] +0)
The Timberpups are playing adequate defense in the month of January, meaning it only took Thibs two months to get them to execute his scheme well enough for the effects to show up on the court. However, this is no consolation for me. The Wolves have a roster that screams “1980s Nuggets”. Everybody on the roster except for Rubio craves field goals attempts. Don’t waste their time with defense. There’s no rim protection on the roster and Wiggins obviously doesn’t feel like defending the perimeter so just give it up and let them go crazy on offense. This team shouldn’t be twelfth in offensive rating. They should be FIRST. Remember, if you’re not first, you’re last.
23. New York Knicks (21-27, 2-1 this week) (last week: #23 [1-4] +0)
My mind, disturbed yet defiantly continuing to manufacture cogent thoughts, declares that the crying child must represent Carmelo Anthony. I see the paper titled “no-trade clause”: it floats in the darkness in front of the screaming baby. Suddenly, the child’s tears stop and its chubby hands grab at the paper. Taking it in two hands, it rips it apart with an enraged deliberateness that a child so young could never possess. The shredded bits of paper are released from the baby’s chubby-handed grip and float like leaves down through the abyss.
24. Milwaukee Bucks (21-26, 1-3 this week) (last week: #18 [0-5] -6)
The Bucks have dropped eight of nine and are falling further behind the “clump of mediocrity” (currently consisting of the near-.500 Bulls, Hornets, and Pacers) in the Eastern conference. Lord and savior Giannis had a good game in the Bucks’ sole win against the Rockets, but otherwise had a below-average week by his standards. Giannis’ three-point percentage, which had been edging closer to 30%, took a nosedive after an 0-of-7 effort behind the line in a loss to the Sixers. My DTB senses are tingling; I’m getting hazy, distant premonitions of off-season shooting lessons with…you guessed it…Damjan Rudez.
25. Sacramento Kings (19-28, 3-1 this week) (last week: #28 [0-4] +3)
A big new article written by some fancy-pants ESPN guy addressed for the millionth time the ages-old question: is DeMarcus Cousins holding back the Kings or are the Kings holding back DeMarcus Cousins? Predictably, the article didn’t have an answer for that question, and, as much as I would love to be the one to provide the definitive answer and be the darling of the NBA writersphere, I actually don’t know myself. The only thing I do know is that Vivek Ranadive’s dream “big three” of Cousins, Gay, and Westbrook is pretty hilarious.
26. Dallas Mavericks (16-30, 2-1 this week) (last week: #26 [2-2] +0)
The Mavericks beating the Lakers by 49 points: weirdest thing to happen this season? It could be, but I’m in too much of a rush to properly search my memories for other weird things that happened. The question is, how does a team with a mediocre defense and a bad offense dominate another team so thoroughly, especially when their best player (Barnes) scores six points? The Mavs are improving (pointlessly at this point, but whatever) and the Lakers do have NBA players on their roster despite what their record indicates; in theory the matchup should have been tilted only slightly towards the Dallases. Since my weak analytics skills don’t allow me to do anything else, I’ll attribute the victory to rookie Dorian Finney-Smith, who led the Mavs with a +38 plus-minus in the game.
27. Phoenix Suns (15-32, 1-3 this week) (last week: #24 [1-2] -3)
Has there ever been less hype for a 20-point scoring, 7-assist diming point guard than there is right now for Eric Bledsoe? Sure, he’s playing for one of the worst teams in the league, and sure, it’s unclear whether or not he’s truly helping his team win games (on/off stats think he’s a negative), but let’s be real for a bit (really real): he’s the best player on the Suns right now. Do people not remember how hyped they were for this guy when he was getting backup minutes on the Clippers? Why can’t they rediscover that hype now that he’s become the player they had imagined in their hype-addled minds?
28. Orlando Magic (18-30, 0-3 this week) (last week: #27 [1-2] -1)
The Orlando Magic are like the burrito you get from Chipotle when the guy serving you is completely stoned out of his mind. It comes undone as soon as you try to take a bite, most of the ingredients are wrong, and the ingredients that are right are present in the wrong quantities. In this metaphor, Evan Fournier is the streak which you asked for but didn’t get, and Nikola Vucevic is the chicken which you also kinda like too but the guy barely gave you half a scoop of. Aaron Gordon is the sour cream (the connection to the metaphor should be obvious to you).
29. Los Angeles Lakers (16-34, 0-3 this week) (last week: #29 [1-2] +0)
Since one paragraph on the Lakers’ embarrassing, shameful, yet strangely satisfying 50-point loss to the Mavericks isn’t enough, I’m going to talk about it again. Brandon Ingram had a sweet plus-minus of -45 in that game, and his basketball-reference game score was -5.7, the ninth worst this season (Jamal Crawford and Monta Ellis hold the bottom two game scores – remind me why people think that sixth-man chuckers are a good idea?). His rebound and steal (both singular) were negated and then some by three turnovers and five fouls, and his two-of-twelve from the field didn’t help very much. For a while it looked like Ingram had gotten over the rookie wall; if he did, there was another wall waiting for him after the first one. He was 2 of 23 from the field this week.
30. Brooklyn Nets (9-38, 0-4 this week) (last week: #30 [1-3] +0)
Brook Lopez looked out into the crowd before the game. As usual, the seats were half-full, and half the people who bothered to show up were wearing the other team’s jerseys. He had long ago stopped feeling resentment at the lack of fan support. If he was a regular Joe fan, he wouldn’t waste his time supporting such an awful team. He felt sympathy for the people out there, as well as guilt that he personally didn’t do more to entertain them. Then, a light bulb went on his head. Three-point shots were a fan-favorite. Why couldn’t he remove himself from the paint, where everybody was bodying him up anyways, and camp out on the three-point line? Would that not make the game more exciting for the paying customer? Brook decided that it would. He made a vow to himself that he would shoot at least a dozen three-pointers in the game, whether they went in or not. The fans had to be entertained.