“Dear Father,
I hope your life remains productive and happy back in the homeland, because with the daily torment of my worsening hair loss, my own life is neither productive nor happy.
Your latest lock of hair, which you alleged came from the head of one of the clan of gypsies who cursed our family so long ago with early-onset baldness, was transplanted onto my own head as soon as it arrived. I hoped, as did you, that the Roma hair would reverse the baldness which has not only overtaken my head, but my thoughts as well, and that I would soon return to a youthful, thick head of hair.
That was some weeks ago and I have not seen any improvement. You will have seen for yourself when you awake in the middle of the night to watch my games. I try to hide the thinness with creative combing techniques, but under the bright arena lights and high-resolution television cameras, there is no hiding the shameful truth: I am balding like an old man.
It is possible that the gypsy hair lost its potency during the long trip across the ocean. Perhaps it is necessary to get fresh gypsy hair for transplant, but that is impossible for me at the moment, as there are no gypsies here in the United States. There are many other minority groups, but none of the Roma. There are many of the so-called “Amish” here in Indiana, but they are not the ones who cursed us, so I do not feel right in going to one of their furniture stores or fruit stands and attacking them with a scissors.
I will come visit you soon, and maybe we will be able to address my embarrassing problem once and for all. In the meantime, I will continue searching for a remedy. Tell Lucija that I miss her, and Baba that I love her.
Your loving son,
-Bojan”