In the process of doing research for this description, I was forced to search “Trey Burke dick pic” to see if he did, in fact, send someone an image of his dong. I did not see the pic in question, luckily, but now Google thinks that I am interested in the genitalia of NBA players. Hey Google: my search was for SCHOLARLY RESEARCH purposes only. How many times do I have to search for C.J. Miles (the Instagram model) to rectify this in Google’s ever-watchful eyes?
No stone went unturned during the research process. I read all sorts of articles. Articles about his bromance with Jared Sullinger. Articles about his falling-out with the Jazz. Articles about his college days. Articles about Ohio. All sorts of stuff I read through, and I am now ready to offer this conclusion about Trey Burke:
He is Allen Iverson 0.7.1 . The “.1” is because he’s got about 1 inch on Iverson.
To be honest, I didn’t need to read all that stuff to come to that conclusion. Just watching this video should be enough. 42 points, a career-high by far, with about half of his points coming on D’Antoni-heart-attack-inducing pull-up midrange jimbos. He started off slow, really slow, but he went nuts in the second half, not only scoring whenever he wanted, but also diming his teammates 12 times. TWELVE. Who says he’s not a true PG? Sure, he’s more of a midget SG, but so was Iverson, and you don’t hear anybody complaining (except for all the advanced stats nerds who think basketball is played in a database and have never even seen, much less touched, a naked tit before).
The Knicks lost, because of course they did, but that’s not the point. Burke dragged them into OT by himself, and it’s not his fault Kemba Walker decided to awaken from his slumber to put them away in the final minutes. Well, maybe it is, because he can’t really defend, but I’m going to overlook that for now. As should you. Remember: 42 points.