For the past few days, I’ve just been trying to forget about the fact that I am the target of a statewide manhunt. Well, I’m technically not the primary target. That would be Buddy, my 12-foot-tall sentient 3D-printed naked purple plastic statue of Buddy Hield that I ordered online for $3,000 bucks over a year ago. He’s the one whose giant purple hands are stained with the blood of five men who he brutally killed in a zoo parking lot after we walked in on them disposing of their own murder victim.
I do a pretty good job of forgetting about it, except when I have to make a Buddy Hield highlight video. Then I’m reminded all over again. It’s weird. I can look at my Buddy statue all day and not think “that big figurine over there, the one who was once described in a police report as a ‘giant purple dildo’, has killed six human beings in his short time on this earth”. Maybe it’s because that I have to describe my adventures with Buddy every time the real-life Buddy Hield has a good game. Telling my adventures forces me to recall things that I might not wish to recall, like the fact that every police officer in the state is on the lookout for the perpetrators of the grisly “Zoo Massacre”.
I was making this video and I let Buddy watch me since he always seems to be happy when his real-life counterpart has a good game. He’s really smart, and I bet he could make highlight videos, but I’m reluctant to try because they might lack the “human” touch that I give them. Not that Buddy isn’t mostly human to me. He is. He has emotions and everything. But I don’t trust anybody else with my highlights empire.
As I was editing together the clips, paying close attention to the game clock to make sure I was showing the right plays, Buddy started pointing at the screen. I couldn’t figure out what he was trying to convey, so I made a quick backup of the file and let him take the mouse and keyboard.
Instead of working in the video editor, he opened up Sublime Text instead. Sublime Text is a programmer’s text editor that I use since I do some recreational computer programming on the side. He opened up a new file and started typing really fast some computer code that I couldn’t make sense of. It looked like Assembly language or something (I get confused enough just dealing with pointers and memory management, much less raw CPU commands). But, at the end of his marathon typing spree, he showed me how he had just written a program that would do optical character recognition on the game’s video stream to detect what the game clock was at every point in the game. All of a sudden, one of the more tedious aspects of my job was taken care of for me.
I high-fived Buddy when I saw what a good job he did. I’m seriously thinking that he’s an undiscovered genius with an intellect that dominates that of any human, but all he wants is to help me do the things that make me happy. Even though he killed five people at once, with one of the victims being literally ripped in half at the waist and thrown to the ground like a human pinata filled with gore instead of candy, Buddy’s my best friend.