I swear, my 12-foot-tall 3D-printed purple plastic naked statue of Buddy Hield who has somehow gained sentience is getting smarter by the day. I wouldn’t think he would get smarter just by hanging out in my apartment and watching cute animal videos on YouTube (today he spent about three hours giggling at that video of baby chicks in a box on repeat), but he does.
I’m grateful for Buddy’s intelligence though, even though he’s rapidly eclipsed my own level of intelligence, and I’m a pretty smart guy. It’s thanks to his brainpower that I’m even still around to make highlight videos. I mean, if Buddy wasn’t so ingenious about coming up with creative methods on the fly to kill people who were threatening us, I might be dead and he might have gotten melted down into plastic for kids’ toys. He killed five different dudes that night. One of them got ripped in half. I bet a lot of police officers fainted when they rolled up to that crime scene.
While I was making this highlight video, I casually offhand mentioned the fact that it was taking a long time to render the video. Rendering is the part of the process that takes my project in the video editor, comprised of individual clips, and turns it into a single file that can be uploaded to YouTube. My CPU is top-of-the-line and it’s overclocked to hell and back, plus I’ve got my case stuffed with 64 gigs of memory, so there’s not much more I can do hardware-wise to make it faster. But Buddy wanted my highlight-making experience to be as smooth as possible so while I was in the bathroom he sat down at my computer at wrote a whole new rendering module for my video editor.
When I got back to my desk he was just putting the finishing touches on it. He types really fast even though his hands are like three times the size of normal human hands. I don’t even know how he avoids hitting multiple keys at a time with his gigantic plastic fingers. Just like the last time he wrote code for me, none of it made any sense even though I’m an accomplished programmer myself. There were probably all kinds of shortcuts and tricks to fool the compiler into doing things in an even more optimized way. He pointed at his code and then opened up my video editor and pointed at the “render” button, so I thought I had a pretty good idea of what his code would do.
Lo and behold, this video took, like, five seconds to render. That’s about thirty times faster than usual. The progress bar went so fast I barely had a chance to look at it. And the video quality is the same as my previous method. Not only that, but when I tested the render again with my monitoring software turned on, CPU utilization was only at 1% the entire time, and most of that was my web browser. I have no idea what the heck kind of code wizardry Buddy just pulled off, but I’m pretty sure that the leading computer scientists around the world would love to get their hands on the code he’s writing.
I love how helpful Buddy is. Even though the police are still on the lookout for us and have increased the reward for our capture to $100,000, he’s my best friend.