“Dear Mr. Ferguson,
I suppose that when you see a letter from the famed DownToBuck, you might assume that I am writing to congratulate you on a good game. After all, you are fully aware that DownToBuck is the preeminent highlights provider for role-players and scrubs leaguewide.
How naive of you. I am not writing this letter to shower you with accolades. The fawning media and the fawning fans have already done that for you. I am writing to inform you that, by your actions on the court tonight, you have considerably worsened the quality of my life.
For you see, not two days ago, I made a highlight video for you wherein you scored fourteen points. Now, with your latest 21-point performance, that fourteen-point video is rendered utterly obsolete. There is no reason to watch it. It has no reason to exist. Yet its creation cost me significantly in both time and energy, resources which, as you know, are not infinite. Now that you have shown a blatant disregard for my considerable efforts, I have no reason to think that you won’t do so again.
As just punishment for your selfish actions, I will refer to you as “Furgie” in all video descriptions going forward. It might sound like a term of endearment, this new nickname, but if you think about it harder, it is actually a term of derision. “Fergie”, spelled with an E, is a well-known female entertainer. By comparing you to her, I am directly attacking your masculinity. I am sure that your face burns red with embarrassment as you read these sentences and see the true meaning of the nickname.
I hope you have a good day. Furgie.
Yours truly,
-DownToBuck”