The media coverage has died down a bit since me and Buddy (who is not the real Buddy Hield, but a 12-foot-tall purple plastic 3D-printed naked replica of him who has somehow gained sentience) killed a bunch of people in the middle of the night in a zoo parking lot. I didn’t actually kill anybody though. I just hid behind a van while Buddy shot people with guns and threw people and dismembered them. It’s been like a month since that happened and the police, as far as I can tell, have no leads. It was the perfect crime. Except we didn’t even want to kill people that day. It was just circumstance that led them to die at Buddy’s hand.
That means I can relax a bit more. Now when I wake up in the morning, I can check the news without being afraid that there’s going to be some grainy picture of a giant purple statue that was caught on somebody’s home security camera, next to the words “FBI most wanted” or something.
I think Buddy can tell that I’m happier now because he’s happier too. His moods tend to reflect mine. If I’m sulking around all mad and stuff because Dawkins got 20,000 views for a player and I only got 400, he’ll be kind of subdued and not very active. But if I’m all happy because I no longer feel the imminent threat of police breaking down my door to arrest me for my part in the murder of five men, then he’s happy too.
And I want Buddy to be happy, not only because he deserves happiness in his life, but because he’s more productive when he’s happy. He already wrote some computer code that would automatically read the game clock on NBA game feeds, and he also wrote some code that improves my video rendering speed by a factor of fifty. Today I was browsing the newest video cards on Amazon, but my meager highlight-maker budget doesn’t really allow for a GTX 2080 Ti at this point in time. Buddy walked over and saw what I was looking at and pointed at the most expensive one. I nodded and said that was the one I wanted, but I was like, what’s Buddy gonna do about it? He can’t just go to the store and buy one, first because he has no money, and second because nobody is going to send a high-end GPU to a naked purple statue even if they do have the money to actually pay for it.
He went away to my bedroom for a bit, which was weird because he doesn’t fit very well in the small room. But I could hear the sound of metallic parts being tinkered with. My bedroom is where I keep my cache of discarded and obsolete technological equipment. I wanted to stop in and see what Buddy was doing in there, but then I thought, I work better when there’s nobody looking over my shoulder; why should that rule apply to humans only and not 3D-printed statues who are naked?
Even though I know that Buddy has some serious electronics skills (he did repair my overlocked microwave before), I was super surprised when he emerged holding a cobbled-together video card. He motioned for me to put it in my computer tower. I was leery of it because if it short-circuited, it could fry the rest of my components, but then I thought, when has Buddy led me astray before? Never. Everything he does in life is the right thing. So I popped that sucker into my computer, plugged the monitor into it, turned the computer back on, and hoped for the best.
Well, I’m typing this video description on the computer so you know it’s working. But you wouldn’t believe me how fast this thing is. It uses standard NVIDIA drivers but I’m getting over 2,000 frames per second on all my games, even at 8K resolution. Millions of dollars of R&D, thousands of man-hours, it was all outdone by a naked statue in thirty minutes using spare circuitry. It’s crazy. But then, with Buddy, everything is crazy and nothing is crazy. He’s my best friend.