Since I know Dwyane Wade is reading this (Hi Dwayne!!!), I want to personally inform him that I am offering him, and him only, a one-time reduction in the cost of my boutique steroid treatments. The previous price was somewhere in the tens of thousands per treatment, but for today, and today only, Dwyane, you can buy my roids for the low low price of $2,000 per installment.
These are good ‘roids. I’ve taken regular steroids and modified them to be more potent by microwaving them in my unwisely-overclocked microwave which is more like a mini nuclear reactor than a conventional microwave at this point. I tested them on myself and they made me super buff (like, obscenely buff – think synthol here), so you know they work. I can even send you pictures of my outrageously over-inflated arm muscles if you want, Dwyane. And I’ll send you the “before” pictures where I’m a spooky skeleton.
There’s no health risks. And if there are (there definitely aren’t though), it doesn’t matter because you’re going to retire after this season anyway and your earning potential will be destroyed no matter what you decide to do. So if my boutique roids end up permanently maiming you or even killing you, it’s not like you lose out on a lot of career earnings. And if they work extra well, maybe you can play five more years in China.
Come on dude. Buy my roids. Please. My landlord keeps using the word “evict” and I don’t know what it means.