Shabazz Napier set his mail down on his kitchen table without giving it a second thought. All his bills were paid online, and all other important things went through his agent, so there was no point in looking at it. However, as he readied his afternoon snack of a bowl of unsalted, unbuttered popcorn covered in hot fudge sauce, he noticed that one of the letters was colored oddly. Peeking out from underneath the snack of plain white envelopes, the audacious red-and-purple envelope was garishly out of place.
Setting aside the jar of hot fudge, Shabazz retrieved the mystery envelope from the bottom of the stack. It was covered with golden glitter and tied with three separate ribbons, but it had no addresses or other writing on it, meaning it had been hand-delivered to his residence. Unable to contain his curiosity, he ripped it open.
Inside was a crisply-folded piece of fancy stationery on which was a lengthy, hand-written message. Thinking that he had a new secret admirer, Shabazz began to read.
“Shabazz,
Remember when you had just competed in the NCAA tournament and I tweeted about how good you were? Then, based solely off my tweet, the Heat drafted you, but I left them anyway. So that’s the first thing I want to do: apologize. I never meant to leave you, but you have to understand, I needed to finish up some unfinished business back home.
Now, I have changed teams yet again, but every day I think to myself, “wouldn’t it be great to reunite with that hot stud Napier”. And I mean ‘hot stud’ in a very platonic way. I think. Anyway, after thinking about it for so long, I’ve finally got the solution.
Enclosed you will find a picture of Kenny Atkinson engaged in some rather perverted sexual deviance with a person who is not a wife. The person is not even female. Whether or not this is a doctored photo is irrelevant. It is useful blackmail material no matter its veracity. With this photo, you have all the leverage you need to demand a trade to the Lakers.
When that Dinwiddie guy comes back, your minutes are going to go back to nothing. You know this. I know this. Everybody knows this. Why not come play with me in Los Angeles? You’d be the best point guard on the roster from day one. Lonzo’s a bust and Rondo’s old. What do you say?
I’ll be waiting for you, Shabazz.
-LeBron James”
Shabazz finished reading the letter, the noticed that a polaroid photo had fallen to the table. Picking it up, his eyes could only glance at the depraved scene for a brief moment before he cast it away from him. Yes, it was indeed the perfect piece of blackmail material. And, as he thought about it more, his initial reluctance began to morph into something else.