It did cross my mind that I needed to punish Luka Doncic for going 5-of-20 from the field in this game. Not only did it cross my mind, but it stayed on my mind, and I dwelled on it for some time. I even withdrew into my little-used “highlights hermitage”, which is located high up on a desolate mountain peak where the wind never dies and the snowstorms never cease. While I was there, chilled to the bone with not even a flickering candle to illuminate the dim cave, I had some “revelations” that I would not have received if I had just been sitting in my apartment eating Pop-Tarts:
Revelation one: I would only ever make highlights of a player going 5-of-20 from the field if they got a triple double or had some other sort of insane statistical achievement involving stats that weren’t points (such as ten blocks).
Revelation two: Luka Doncic, as grateful as I am to him for driving views to my channel, is not exempt from my rules. If he had not gotten a tenth rebound in this game, it is unlikely that he would have gotten a video. That is because players should not be rewarded for exceptionally poor shooting performances.
Revelation three: It is very, very cold up on a high mountaintop when you’re butt-ass naked trying to have a spiritual awakening. Are my toes supposed to be black? And are they supposed to fall off when I shake my foot really hard?
Revelation four: Harrison Barnes’ sudden trade to the Kings might be good for Luka’s development in the long run, but the added scoring pressure put on him with DSJ, Matthews, and Barnes gone (and Kristaps not yet ready to play) might seriously hurt his efficiency. I will try not to be too alarmed when this happens.
Revelation five: It is inappropriate to bring Pop-Tarts to the “highlights hermitage”, and it is very appropriate to chuck a whole box of them off the top of a mountain to symbolise my rebirth as a man. (I type as I snack on a Pop-Tart right now)