OFFICIAL THINGS ENES KANTER BRINGS TO THE TRAILBLAZERS POWER RANKINGS
1. Offensive rebounds. Enes Kanter is a rebounding machine, and his machine-like rebounding is especially noticeable on the offensive end of the ball. If you were to put him and, say, John Henson in the same gym together and had them battle for rebounds, Kanter would get 99/100. The one he didn’t get is because he got randomly benched for no reason.
2. Post moves. Not a lot of teams are willing to let their centers just use up possessions with post moves, but early indications are indicating to me that the Blazers will let Kanter use up possessions in this way. He’s definitely way better at it than Jusuf Nurkic. Sorry bro.
3. Political intrigue. I’m not even going to get into this one, but you can’t deny that Kanter brings the intrigue with him wherever he goes.
4. Being a sixth man. There aren’t a lot of big sixth-men in the league, but Kanter played well in this role for parts of his tenure for the Thunder. Who even was the Blazers’ sixth man before they picked up Kanter? Evan Turner? Seth Curry?
5. Obsession with a cheerleader he fell in love with in Utah. Her name’s Jesseca, and if you ever talk badly about her, Kanter will punch you in the face. According to him, she’s a pure angel even though she’s with Rudy Gobert now.
OFFICIAL THINGS ENES KANTER DOESN’T BRING TO THE TRAILBLAZERS POWER RANKINGS
1. Defense. Kanter doesn’t play any. I don’t care about defense so that’s fine by me, but coaches see things differently.
2. Three-point range. Kanter doesn’t really have it. He has it in the same way that Jusuf Nurkic has it: sometimes he takes a three and it goes in, but he doesn’t usually try.
3. Exciting slam dunks. If Kanter ever has an exciting slam dunk, it’s because he barely got off the floor but somebody got in his way anyway.
4. Authentic Turkish recipes. He has them but he’s not sharing them even though they are very delicious. This is how his relationship with Fizdale in New York fell apart; Kanter wasn’t willing to share his Karnıyarık recipe. (what are those letters that look like mini-ones)
5. Passing. Kanter can sometimes pass, but not usually. He’d rather score.
6. A solution to a clogged center rotation. In fact, Kanter’s addition to the team just made the situation worse. Zach Collins and Meyers Leonard are in talks with their agents to see if they can somehow be exempt from the trade deadline.