Attention Atlanta Hawks front office people and coaching staff people: it is now time for you to shut down Trae Young for the season. With him at the helm and playing well, you have won entirely too many games. The tank not only has gone off the beaten path, but the treads have fallen out and the only thing it shoots out of its cannon are cotton balls. By selfishly playing Trae Young big minutes, you are squandering your opportunity to snag Zion Williamson in the draft.
Who cares about the fans who are basically only going to Hawks games in order to see Young play? There’s so few fans in the stands anyway that the atmosphere wouldn’t be greatly changed if they all abandoned the team for the rest of the season due to “tanking reasons”. And those that stick around would get to watch Kevin Huerter try to run the offense. It’s a win-win-win, really. A win for the fans, a win for the Hawks, and a win for me because I am SO TIRED of making Trae Young highlight videos. Oh my god. I’m losing it right now. I’m losing my marbles.
If the Hawks are too cowardly to bench their young star point guard, I will have no choice but to go over there and using a large amount of packing tape (the ultra-sticky transparent kind) to literally tape Young to the bench so he can’t check in to the game even when his coach is yelling at him. I am confident that this action on my part would be so unprecedented that no teammates or officials would tamper with my goal.