There might not be a lot of people out there who are paying close attention to the Battle of the Cameroonians, Pascal Siakam vs. Joel Embiid, since they play very different positions and rarely go one-on-one at each other. But your pal DTB is paying close attention, and he can inform you of the latest happenings when it comes to which Cameroonian is coming out on top. Hint: it’s not Embiid.
Siakam had 25 points in the Raptors’ win. Embiid had just 13 for the losing Sixers side. I’d say that’s a pretty convincing advantage for Siakam. Embiid boosters, if they’re even daring to watch this video and read this description, will be quick to tell you that Embiid was playing with illness and hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before, so his poor performance should be excused. My response? What if I told you that Siakam has concocted some more advanced tactics in this Battle of the Cameroonians other than just on-court performance?
It’s well-known that Embiid likes to eat. He’s not particularly discerning when it comes to what he actually puts in his mouth. If you set it in front of him and it looks tasty, it’s going down no matter how much saturated fat or sugar it has. The Sixers organization is powerless to stop him from eating whatever he wants. That’s why he’s known locally in Philadelphia as the “Philly Cheesesteak Phiend”.
Siakam took advantage of this unfortunate tendency of Embiid’s. After game three, he bought a cheesesteak from one of the local shops and then got a bunch of diseased hobos to sneeze and cough all over it. He then planted the cheesesteak in Embiid’s locker by way of a bribed janitor. Sometime between games three and four, the cheesesteak was ingested by Embiid, who harbors no suspicion whatsoever for random food items left in his locker. We all know what happened after that. Embiid got really sick, but not too sick to play, and Siakam completely outperformed him.
The truth is out now and Embiid’s not going to be happy about it. He might even want to get revenge. In what way he will get his revenge, I hesitate to even guess. But it might involve, in some way, the unexpected ingestion of ludicrously spicy hot sauces, in a cruel play on Siakam’s “Spicy P” nickname.
My takeaway from all of this? I want a Philly cheesesteak really bad right now. I could also go for some fried chicken with hot sauce. DAMN I AM HUNGRY