OFFICIAL NICKNAMES FOR KEVIN HUERTER POWER RANKINGS
1. Kevin Huerant
A nickname that alludes to one of the greatest scorers in NBA history is a nickname that’s worth having. Note that, even though I came up with this awesome, witty, funny nickname all by myself without any help, that fact does not bias Kevin Huerant’s position in this list. I am judging these nicknames solely on the merits of the nickname itself. No outside factors are factored in. Except when they are.
2. Butthuert
Another nickname of my own creation, but again, it’s number two on the list simply because it is the second-best Kevin Huerter nickname out there, not because I invented it. Being “butthurt” is generally not a good thing, since the term is most often used to indicate over-sensitivity, but the sheer creativity and internet-meme-awareness of this nickname elevates it. I don’t see any reason why it couldn’t be used on Hawks broadcasts starting as early as this preseason. You can even use it to describe opposing players. It’s super flexible.
3. Ginga Ninja
Ninjas are a bit played out in popular culture but they’re still cool. Being a ginger (“ginga”) ninja is a jarring, yet entertaining, juxtaposition. The downside of this nickname is that you can’t spell it “Ginja Ninja” and still have it be comprehensible. Also, the chances of misspelling “Ginga” to make the word 1000x worse are just way, way too high. I’m getting nervous right now just typing it. Ginga. Ginga. PLAYING WITH FIRE RN
4. Ronald Threesley
I was never a huge Ron Weasley fan, since he was often misused as a “comic relief” character in the Harry Potter series (plus, I ship Harrymione exclusively), but he turned out to be a cool dude in the end. Was he good at basketball? Probably not, since the insular wizarding community couldn’t comprehend muggle sports, but he did have very red hair, a trait that he shares with Kevin Huerter. Overall, it’s a good nickname that plays into millennial’s nostalgia for things from their childhood.
(Once upon a time, DownToBuck wrote Harry Potter fanfiction. You will never get to read it. Just thought you should know.)
[POWER GAP]
5. The Gingerbread Man
This is a good nickname because the Gingerbread Man’s catchphrase is “you can’t catch me, I’m the gingerbread man!” The implication of speed and elusiveness is perfect. However, that second layer of meaning would need explanation to a person encountering the nickname for the first time. If you have to explain it, it isn’t as good. It’s like explaining the punchline of a joke; the joke is ruined. Explaining a nickname ruins the nickname.
6. Red Velvet
“Red Velvet” is the lowest-hanging fruit on the list, but that doesn’t make it a bad nickname. Kevin Huerter is smooth just like velvet, and he’s got red hair (a common theme in his nicknames). It lines up really well. The problem is, red velvet cake tastes like ass. It just tastes like total ass. I knew I said that I wouldn’t let my personal biases affect this power ranking, but come on. Red velvet cake is just gross. It sucks. If you like it you should get your taste buds checked for defects.
Additionally, basketball-reference happens to advocate for this nickname. Since that website, while useful for looking up statistics, is known to have very poor judgment when it comes to nicknames, “Red Velvet” gets knocked down a few spots.
7. Home Alone
I came up with this one too, so you can tell I’m not being biased here. If I was biased, this would be #3. Kevin was the kid in the Home Alone movie who got left behind and then hit the burglars with a paint can or whatever. I don’t remember enough of the movie to describe this one any further.
[POWER CHASM]
8. Red Dot
Like a laser sight on a gun, I guess? And Huerter’s shooting is laser-accurate? By the time the commentators are done explaining this one, three more possessions have already happened.
9. Red Mamba
This nickname is already taken, and if you don’t know the guy who’s already using it, you should just unsubscribe from my channel right now because you unworthy of watching my scrublights. Go. Get out. If I see you around here again, I’ll put ransomware on your phone so you have to pay me a million bitcoin just so you can call the police.
10. Red Rocket
Another nickname that’s already taken. FOH outta here if you can’t remember the retired DownToBuck legend who owns it.
[POWER ABYSS]
9001. Huert Feelings
Another DownToBuck creation, but I’ve disavowed it. Pretend this never happened. I’m not gonna apologize, but yeah. I’m sorry.
9002. Anything that you come up with
Leave the nickname creation to the professionals, kiddo. If you happen to leave your own suggestions in the comments of this video, I reserve the right to publicly deride you until you cry and delete your comments in shame.