For some reason, when it comes to Halloween, I just never learn my lesson. Every year I buy bags and bags of candy, and then every year I get maybe ten total trick-or-treaters, meaning that there’s tons of leftover candy that I have no idea what to do with. My personal maximum is, like, one piece of candy per day or I start feeling all gross from the excess sugar. At that rate, it would take me literal years to eat my way through the candy backlog.
I thought about donating the extra candy to a school, but then I remembered that most schools have some kind of anti-sugar policy which makes it hard for a kid to even bring cupcakes for their birthday, much less receive a giant candy donation from some random dude in the neighborhood. I also thought about trying to turn the candy into an art piece, but I’m not the kind of artist who can make something meaningful out of random objects. In fact, I would argue that there is no such artist anywhere in the world. Besides, the art would melt after a while anyway.
What I’ve decided to do now is to mail all the candy to Frank Jackson of the New Orleans Pelicans. Why Frank Jackson, you ask? Well, he’s too old for trick-or-treating, so he probably didn’t get a lot of candy this Halloween. Also, his face is so attractive and perfect that he probably doesn’t allow himself to eat candy very often. Hopefully, by receiving my donation, he can let loose a little bit and gorge on piles of 3 Musketeers and Almond Joys.
My only concern is that my candy donation is deemed to be some kind of biological threat and is confiscated before it even gets to its intended recipient. I swear I haven’t tampered with any of this candy. Just because I took some of the wrappers off and licked the candy inside isn’t a big deal. I was just taste-testing it to make sure that I really didn’t want it before I gave it away. Everybody does that. Also, I crushed the Smarties into a powder and put them in an envelope because I always take my Smarties powdered through the nasal canal.
I hope Frank likes my candy.