With the real Dion Waiters sidelined because of some bad edibles (and these aren’t your grandma’s edibles) consumed while in a tiny metal tube traveling at hundreds of miles per hour at an extremely high elevation, the league looks around desperately for his replacement. And what do we have here? Perfect!
It’s Deonte Burton!
If you squint real tight and pretend that Waiters never got traded from OKC, it’s like the real thing. You don’t even have to squint that hard, honestly, because Burton fits Waiters’ physical profile nicely. He’s short, but not too short. He’s got that puffy face. And he’s got the puffy rest of him too; this guy is a big boy, basketball-reference lists him at 240 pounds. That’s bigger than Waiters, apparently, but I don’t really believe that.
Burton’s off-court situation is probably significantly better than Waiters’ at this point, at least, I haven’t heard anything about him dissing his own teammates on Twitter or having panic attacks due to THC-infused gummies (what even are those I’m so out of the loop) of unknown provenance. Way to go Burton! You’re just a regular NBA 13th man, no chemistry issues here!