In flagrant violation of the spirit of basketball, the concept of ‘sportsmanship’, and the explicit wishes of basketball inventor Dr. James Naismith, Frank Kaminsky made a three-pointer in this game with just two seconds left. The three-pointer cut the lead from seven to four, but had no chance of affecting the outcome of the game. It was such a clear example of statpadding that I almost didn’t upload this video at all. Even more insultingly, the three-pointer raised his point total from fourteen (a total which would not qualify for a highlight video) to seventeen (a total which will usually qualify for a highlight video unless it contains too many free throws).
Frankly (heh), if Kaminsky is allowed to statpad at the end of lost games, then I should totally be allowed to statpad as well. The process for statpadding while running an NBA highlights channel is a little less clear than the process for statpadding in a game of basketball, but I’ve got some ideas:
STATPADDING IDEA #1: Upload frivolous highlight videos. E’Twaun Moore scored eleven? That’s a video. Skal Labissiere scored four? Video. De’Anthony Melton scored no points but got a steal? Video. Bruno Caboclo literally accumulated no stats except fouls (god damn it)? That’s a video for sure.
STATPADDING IDEA #2: Pad out the lengths of all my videos by showing more action before and after the play in question. Showing entire possessions is an option.
STATPADDING IDEA #3: If replays aren’t provided by the broadcast, create my own replays by zooming in on the play and slowing it down. Then show another replay by zooming in again, adding a lens flare, and slowing it down even more. This is somewhat related to STATPADDING IDEA #2 in that it artificially makes my videos look like they contain more content than they actually do.
STATPADDING IDEA #4: Show all rebounds.
STATPADDING IDEA #5: Stop writing video descriptions in order to maximize video output.
STATPADDING IDEA #6: Fill up video descriptions up to the 5,000 character limit with AI-generated text using machine learning. I actually want to do this for real because I think having an AI try to replicate my descriptions by mimicking my word choice and phrasing would be the most hilarious thing ever.
As you can see, there are many ways in which I could statpad my channel. But I’m not going to because I abhor statpadding in all its forms. I don’t want to be known as DownToStatpad.