Davis Bertans scored nine points in the span of one minute (well, 61 seconds if you want to get all technical about it you insufferable nerd) near the beginning of the second quarter of this game. He just walked onto the court and hit three triples in succession like it was nothing.
Alright, it wasn’t quite “in succession” because there was a timeout after the second one. You’re being quite insufferable here with all the technicalities. It was still one minute (61 seconds) of game time even if it wasn’t one minute of real life time.
I don’t have a PhD in mathematics or anything, but I do have a PhD in warping stats to make role-players look really, really good, and my stat-warping expertise has allowed me to extrapolate the data to figure out how many points Bertans would have scored if his teammates had not been selfish losers and just allowed him to continue scoring nine points every minute of the game. This also assumes that Bertans would be allowed to play the whole 48 minutes, which he would be if his shooting was that hot. Once you see the extrapolated numbers, you’ll agree that Bertans wouldn’t even have to attempt to play defense since there would be no way a team could ever exceed his offensive onslaught even when playing 5-on-4. You ready?
432 points.
That makes Wilt Chamberlain look like an end-of-bench scrub on a middle school girls’ B-team who can’t dribble, pass, shoot, run, or tie her shoes. That makes Kobe look like a near-death grandma in a nursing home who is forced to attempt to play basketball without her walker or her extra-grippy grandma shoes. So-called “skilled” teammates like Bradley Beal would have to go on anti-depressants after their self-esteem gets shattered by the scoring God known as Davis Bertans. Opposing teams would forfeit at the end of the first quarter, half of the team in tears and the other half of them blankly staggering around like they just walked off the battlefield of war where countless human rights violations were perpetrated, only to have Adam Silver himself tell them to get back on the court and take the whupping like men.
And to think, nobody on the ‘Zards even wanted to see if Bertans’ shooting could be replicated for even one more minute, much less the whole game. I swear, it’s like I’m the only one here who knows the winning strategies of basketball. Trading “guaranteed win” and “record books discarded as worthless relics of the past” for idiotic feel-good concepts like “teamwork” and “players other than Bertans ever shooting the ball”? Pfft. That’s what I say to that.
Pfft.