Sometimes I wonder what I did in a previous life for me to be cursed with this existence. My anger towards god/the cosmic oversoul/quantum randomness is especially pronounced when I think about Serge Ibaka. He’s got it all:
-Can dunk (I will never dunk, I’m too old now)
-Is rich (my Patreon proceeds, while nice, aren’t anywhere near the level of an NBA contract)
-Has a successful cooking show (nobody wants to watch me heat up Pop Tarts)
-Is able to run an unstoppable pick-and-roll with Kyle Lowry (I have no ball-handling ability, and I also am too skinny to set an effective screen, so I’m useless in pick-and-roll situations)
-Has a big…thingy (I will make no comment on the size of my thingy)
-Is attractive and muscular (my skinny frame will never be buff)
-Shoots hella midrange jumpers (actually I do this too)
-Has a cute girlfriend (Jennifer….Jennifer…)
Look at that list and then look at me. I’m just saying, the transgressions I committed in my previous incarnation must have been pretty heinous.