I have decided that, as long as Fred VanVleet’s field goal percentage is under 40%, I’m going to call him Fred VanBrick. Since 40% is the official demarcation line between being a decent shooter and being a poor shooter, I feel that this is a fair nickname. It callously ignores the fact that VanVleet is a good three-point shooter and also will antagonize Raptors fans who are collectively attached to VanVleet’s scrotum and are hugging it very tightly (hence the term “nut-huggers”).
Going off of effective field goal percentage (which, I am told, is a helpful stat to use when attempting to win internet arguments over the merits of one player versus another), VanBrick is not the least efficient heavy-minutes guy in the league. He’s not even close. Guys like Aaron Gordbrick, Russell Westbrick, Jimmy Brickler, Bricky Rubio, Caris LeBrick, Lou Brickiams, and Kristaps Porzingbrick are all worse than VanBrick from an efficiency standpoint, yet all those players are still considered to be “good” players (except Aaron Gordon, I think Magic fans are totally done with him).
Raptors fans are likely thinking “That moron Dee Tee Bee is not taking into account VanVleet’s championship pedigree, his hustle, his heart, and his playmaking ability. I will discount this loser’s opinions from now until forever.” And I would like to let those fans know that I actually have taken those factors into account. It’s just that I’m ignoring them. “Ignoring” and “not taking into account” are two different things.
Besides, there’s no rule that says that somebody who has the word “Brick” in their nickname (as Fred VanBrick does) can’t be a championship-winning, hustling, playmaking player. It just means that they’re a bricklayer. And I promise to stop calling him VanBrick if he starts shooting over 40% from the field. That’s totally fair.