Whatever anti-aging remedies Vince Carter is using, I am willing to pay large amounts of money to get those same remedies sent to me so I can have them ready when the time comes for me to get old. Like all young people, I’ve always viewed “getting old” as some kind of far-off thing that will never really happen, but lately I’ve come to terms with the fact that oldness is inevitable. Unless you are in possession of anti-aging remedies.
I’m guessing that, before every game while he’s getting all taped up, Carter swigs a bottle or three full of youngness potion that restores vitality to his body. The exact composition of this potion is unknown but it obviously works, because Carter just played 23 minutes and his legs didn’t even fall off.
If it’s not a potion, maybe it’s a lifestyle. In that case, I need Carter or somebody in his inner circle to send me a .pdf itinerary, broken down by the minute, of everything he does during the day to keep him in NBA-shape. I figure if I do half of the things on the itinerary, that’ll keep me young enough to keep making DownToBuck videos indefinitely, which is much lower-impact physically than playing professional basketball.
And the anti-aging remedies are actually steroids, I’ll take some of those too. I’m not picky. I just want to make sure that I never get old. If I have to jam roid needles in my buttocks, so be it. I’ll stab my ass with needles all day. Whatever it takes.