Tonight, the entire citizenry of Croatia, from stately Dubrovnik, crown of the sea, to glorious Zagreb, crown of the mountain valleys, was surely tuned in to watch this matchup between the Golden State Warriors and the Phoenix Suns. Representing Croatia for the Warriors was Dragan Bender; for the Suns, Dario Saric repped the beloved homeland of the Croat people. The outcome of this battle would determine who truly is the best Croat currently in the NBA. And DownToBuck is here to truthfully analyze the facts so that you don’t have to. Let’s get started!
POINTS: Saric had eleven points. Bender had thirteen. Thirteen is more than eleven. ADVANTAGE: Bender
REBOUNDS: Saric had nine points. So did Bender. It’s a tie, but remember that Saric was actually stealing rebounds from Deandre Ayton the entire game, so his rebounds count less than Bender’s. This is “2 EZ”, as the kids say. ADVANTAGE: Bender
ASSISTS: Saric had three assists. Bender had four assists. Not only that, but two of Bender’s assists displayed an uncommon amount of court vision. That negates his first assist, which really isn’t an assist at all. ADVANTAGE: Bender
BLOCKS: Saric had just one block. Bender had three blocks, including one block ON Saric. This kind of Croat-on-Croat violence should not be tolerated, but I’ll let it slide. This time. ADVANTAGE: Bender
TEAM SUCCESS. The Suns lost and the Warriors won. Bender was clearly contributing to winning basketball while it’s hard to tell if Saric was or not. ADVANTAGE: Bender
FAVOR OF COACH: Monty Williams clearly hates Dario Saric just like most of his NBA coaches have hated him. If Steve Kerr hates Dragan Bender, it’s not clear from his allotment of minutes. ADVANTAGE: Bender
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS: Not gonna lie, Saric has a weird face and a weird haircut. Bender looks like a cartoon character, but his sharply-defined features and pointy hair thing are attractive in a strange way. Bender just straight up BTFO’s Saric here. ADVANTAGE: Bender
PURITY OF CROAT BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH VEINS: [redacted]
After analyzing all the facts with truthfulness and honestly, I present now DTB’S OFFICIAL FINAL VERDICT OF TRUTH: Bojan Bogdanovic is actually better than both Bender and Saric.
(P.S. can somebody say REVENGE GAME?)