https://youtu.be/r8HclJqMVA4
Do you think that NBA players feel the same sort of overwhelming guilt and shame that us regular people do when they order something at a restaurant intended to be eaten by two (or more) people and then eat it all themselves? Like, when Immanuel Quickley is browsing Uber Eats or whatever, and he’s looking at the menu of one of the innumerable authentic Indian establishments that are in close proximity to his place of residence, and they have something called “Feast for Two at the Court of the Maharaja”, and it comes with a whole bunch of stuff, samosas, naan, parathas, a bunch of different curries, plus some desert items, and he orders it, and then when it gets to his place he just goes and eats the whole thing? Do you think that when he does something like that that it makes him have a minor depressive episode?
Note: it may really sound that the scenario described above is something that just happened to DownToBuck, but don’t be stupid. DownToBuck doesn’t eat Indian food, unless for some reason he’s trying to impress somebody who he thinks might be impressed by the fact that he’s cultured enough to eat ethnic food. DownToBuck only eats American food, like pizza, fettuccine alfredo, tacos, bratwurst, and fried chicken. And fried chicken was the meal of choice yesterday, and I’m really feeling it. The shame is just about gone now, replaced by an intense feeling of unwellness. In my defense, it was a really good deal, and if they’re going to offer a two-person meal coupon, they should expect and anticipate that individuals will attempt (and succeed, DownToBuck is no quitter) to consume the whole thing. I think I have grounds for a lawsuit here. I’m estimating that damages to my person are in the range of 1 to 10 million dollars. It was just way too much fried chicken/sides/beverages.
But NBA players, they’re not like us. For one thing, they’re way bigger. Even the midget-sized ones are way bigger. And they’re way more active, further increasing their caloric needs. So when they receive their alimentary monstrosities, they don’t need to feel the burning judgment of the wage-slaves behind the counter/the wage-slaves delivering them their food. They know that this is what they need to perform at the highest level of professional basketball in the world. DownToBuck may be performing at the highest level of NBA-highlightage in the world, occupying the very pinnacle of the art, but the actual caloric needs of the position are much lower than you might think. All I do is sit at a computer and drag my mouse around while slumped in my chair.
Oh man. I’m gonna need to take another break here. SO greasy and bloated right now. Sorry Quickley, you’ll have to wait until next time before I actually analyze your on-court performance.