https://youtu.be/qeRYyPePr8c
The Hornets commentary team that consists of… guy… and… other guy who might be the father of a certain multiple-time MVP has developed a reputation for bringing excitement to otherwise somewhat bland Hornets games. True, the Hornets are not the ultra-lame team that they have been in the past (though they still have Cody Zeller who might be the lamest player in the league), they’ve been kind of exciting this year on their own merits, but the commentary just enhances that excitement.
Watch this video of Malik Monk scoring 32. Or, more pertinently, listen to the commentary. Exciting, right? Yeah, I guess. But it could be MORE. They need to take it a step further, and then keep taking more steps until there’s nowhere further to go. Cast aside outmoded concepts like “trying to narrate the action on the court”. Forget about acknowledging the other team. Don’t even worry about what’s actually happening in the game. Just yell random Hornets players’ names in an excited way, make guttural noises of approval, say “hum deedly dee” over and over for minutes without pause, moan into the microphone in a vaguely sexual way, scream incoherently. Dead ball? Doesn’t matter, just keep going. Game winner? The viewer shouldn’t even be able to tell that anything notable has happened.
I think the kids call this “ASMR”, but I’m calling it “the future of NBA commentary”.
Enhance the viewer experience even more by having some cornball like Mark Jackson make a cameo with his “hand down, man down” phrase and then switch the camera to a shot of Dell Curry beating the heck out of him with punches and kicks while Eric Collins teabags him. Repeat the process with other commentators from rival teams, the refs, and fans. Purists might say that at this point, we’re not really broadcasting or commentating basketball anymore, but you know the thing with purists? They’re afraid of change. They’re afraid of challenging the PREVAILING PARADIGMS of ENTERTAINMENT.
I am calling on the Hornets organization to not be afraid, but to confidently lead the nation into the future I envision. They have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.