https://youtu.be/sRDzevzBwTM
The verdict is clear on Aleksej “The Slender Serb” Pokusevski: he’s got real basketball talent, but he’s too thin. He’s got a lot of the skilly but even more of the skinny. Basically, he looks like a bulimic praying mantis, and bulimic praying mantises don’t make for durable NBA players. He’s gotta bulk up.
As an underweight male myself, I sympathize with Pokusevski’s plight. It can be hard to add mass when your body resists your efforts at every turn. That said, I’ve crafted an innovative new meal plan for Pokusevski that will ensure that he gets enough calories in his body to continue functioning on a day-to-day basis. He’s probably not ever going to get to Jokic levels of bulkiness, but we can get him to John Henson levels of bulkiness.
DTB’S OFFICIAL MEAL PLAN FOR UNDERWEIGHT SERBS:
8 AM: Toasted bagel with peanut butter and a protein shake
8:15 AM: Another protein shake
8:30 AM: Another protein shake
9 AM: One of every item off the McDonald’s breakfast menu. “Substantial” variations count as separate items, but not “insubstantial” variations. For example, he must eat both a sausage McMuffy with egg and a ham McMuffy with egg, but he does not have to eat both a sausage McMuffy with egg and big mac sauce, and a sauce McMuffy with egg and no big mac sauce. Note that the cheese option counts as a substantial menu item variation.
11 AM: Minimum 2,000 calories of brunch-esque foods, including the equivalent of one whole honeydew melon, because fruit is good for you
12 PM: Fifteen trout sandwiches courtesy of chef B-Rod. Aleksej’s got the whole team eating trout sandwiches, so
12:15 PM: Two protein shakes
1 PM: A whole big pizza (toppings subject to negotiation, except for extra cheese, which is non-negotiable)
2 PM: Read the children’s book “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” while burping uncomfortably
4 PM: Chug a bottle of ranch dressing
4:01 PM: Throw up an entire bottle of ranch dressing
4:02 PM: Get comforted by team dieticians while sobbing
5 PM: Five-course steak dinner with appropriate wine pairings
7 PM: Search YouTube for videos titled “Taco Bell Challenge” and eat whatever those people are eating
8 PM: Protein shake
9 PM: Large size ice cream from Coldstone Creamery, and if the ice cream guy gives you the signature creation “coffee lovers only” instead of the signature creation “mud pie mojo”, leave a one-star Yelp review because nobody should be subjected to Heath Bar crumbles unless they specifically asked for Heath Bar crumbles god damn it
9:30 PM: Bonus pizza for a job well done
If Pokusevski can stick to this plan, he’ll be ready to take the next step in his quest of dominating the NBA. And if he can’t stick to this plan, well, I’m more than happy to step in and eat some of his pizza if necessary.