https://youtu.be/hsUmdKp8FpU
T.J. McConnell has proven to be such a prolific assist-getter this season that I feel compelled to come up with a new nickname for him that reflects his dominance in that particular facet of the game. And I think I’ve got it:
T.J. McOnBall. Because if you put him on the ball, he’ll average ten assists without even breaking a sweat.
There’s a hidden second meaning to this nickname, residing in the initials “T.J.”. You would think that they stand for “Timothy John”, which is McConnell’s given name, but they don’t ONLY stand for that. They also stand for “Totally Juicing” because McConnell is totally juicing.
“B-b-b-but DEE TEE BEE!” you pitifully wail from inside your neckbeard den of empty pizza boxes and pervasive soul-crushing ennui. “McConnell isn’t j-j-juicing! If he w-w-was juicing his muscles would b-b-be way b-b-b-b-BIGGER!”
Silence thyself fool, and leave this place. I obviously don’t mean to insinuate that McConnell is taking conventional steroids. Anybody can look at him and see that this is not the case. However, I have it on good authority that a new type of steroid has been developed and is making the rounds in professional basketball not just in North America, but Europe and Asia as well. This new type of steroid doesn’t make your muscles bigger or your healing process more effective. It forges new synaptic connections in the areas of your brain that facilitate the ability to understand how a play in basketball will develop. Having perfect knowledge of player movement of course makes it very easy to get assists as long as you’re the primary ball-handler. Which McConnell is these days. Hence the nickname McOnBall.
I have tested these steroids myself and I can confirm that I am now throwing alley-oops to geriatric dudes at the Y for vicious dunks. Previously, I could only make basic passes, and any attempt to use my lackluster “court vision” would result in a turnover. I can also confirm that my “little DTBs” have shriveled to the size of raisins and only produce pus instead of the squiggly little guys that they used to produce. But I think it was worth it. Hopefully McOnBall finds these new roids to be worth it as well.