This highlight video has a number of things going against it. I will list those things for you now so you can see how tormented my life truly is:
1. There are too many free throws. Jonathon Simmons made more free throws (8) than he made field goals (7). Every time this happens, another fragment of my sanity breaks off and drops into the abyss.
2. There are too many assists. Jonathon Simmons should never get this many assists. At points in this game he was the one bringing the ball up the court. Is he TRYING to make me so frustrated and angry that I binge on cold Hot Pockets while crying? Because that’s what I’m doing right now.
3. It’s Jonathon Simmons. This one is probably the most blatant. If there are people out there who continued to care about J-Simms after he left San Antonio, they’re doing a really good job of hiding their presence, because I don’t know about them. I don’t think even Simmons’ teammates care about him. They probably spend most of their time wishing they had Ben Simmons instead.
4. Here in America we still observe Daylight Savings Time (most of us do, anyway). Not only is it barbaric, but it exemplifies the unending depths of mankind’s hubris. I’m all disoriented and drowsy, and all the clocks in my house say something different. Some of them are even going backwards right now. Whoever invented Daylight Savings Time should be shivved with an oversized clock hand.