“Dearest father,
The care package I received from you for Christmas was very appreciated. When I am by myself here in America, without my lovely Lucija by my side, I sometimes forget to take care of all my needs. For example, I regularly neglect to shave for days or weeks at a time, so the “lumberjack”-themed aftershave you sent me should motivate me to stay on a strict shaving schedule.
I do hope that my package found you in a timely version. You know how bad the postal system gets at this time of year. I will not spoil the surprise if the gift hasn’t been received yet, but you will find its contents most delectable.
Father, I must say, that when I opened the last box from you and saw within it a toupee, a fake hair-piece, that I experienced a brief flash of anger. How dare my own father suggest that my balding has progressed to the point where I would need to wear such a thing on my head! However, in our correspondences over the years, I have bared my soul to you and shared my pain with you. You did the only thing you could think of to comfort your distraught son, and that was to send this toupee.
I’m afraid I can’t wear it in games, however – it would fall off. Plus, it is not quite my natural hair color. I am more brown than blonde, and this toupee is very blonde. I am also hesitant to wear it because it would be very easy for a gypsy to curse a toupee so as to accelerate my already dire hair-loss situation. I will await your confirm message that the hairpiece was sent by you and not be a mischievous vagrant Gypsy who is trying to torment me as they have tormented our family for generations upon generations.
Tell Lucija that I love her much and wish to see her beauty in person one day soon.
Your loving son,
-Bojan”