A week ago, my whole computational situation changed drastically for the better. Buddy, who is a 12-foot-tall 3D-printed purple plastic naked statue of Buddy Hield who has somehow had life breathed into his plasticky body, fashioned a new graphics card for my computer out of spare circuitry I had lying around. This thing chews up all the latest and greatest titles like they were Pac Man on the Atari 2600. No matter what kind of ridiculous resolution I put my settings at, no matter how many monitors I plug into the thing, I never drop below 2000 FPS on any title.
After a few days of playing games at a frame rate so fast that I would need cybernetic eyes to see even a fifth of the frames, I started thinking: why not using this unbelievable, never-seen-before shader computation power to mine Bitcoin? The main reason Bitcoin is no longer profitable for the home user, discounting the fact that its value has tanked severely in the past half year, is that energy costs outweigh the monetary gains of the coin itself. Only huge Bitcoin mining operations (who are capable of defraying the energy costs) can make money in this game anymore.
Except me. Armed with a hyper-advanced graphics card that uses only a trickle of power (it doesn’t even have a fan or a heatsink because Buddy’s specially-designed chip runs at a relatively chilly twenty degrees Celsius), I can profitably mine Bitcoin (and other cryptocurrencies) in a way that hasn’t been possible for home users for a long time. I could be altruistic and somehow release Buddy’s proprietary technology as open-source circuit board schematics, but I have no idea how the thing works, so that’s not an option, and, besides, I’m not that altruistic. I want to try this out for myself first to see how it works.
Right now I’m getting all the software set up. Once that’s operational, we’ll see how many Bitcoins per day I get. One bitcoin is worth roughly $3,300 at the time of this writing. If I could even get one tenth of a Bitcoin per day, I would be happy. Japurri would be eating Fancy Feast five times a day.
P.S. Media coverage for the “Zoo Massacre” has died down to the point where I haven’t seen it mentioned in at least a week, but I’m still half-expecting the police to bust down my door at any moment and arrest me and/or Buddy for killing/executing five people in a zoo parking lot. Hopefully my new status as a Bitcoin millionaire doesn’t draw undue attention to me and Buddy.