OFFICIAL DTB ANNOUNCEMENT: Tonight DTB decided to treat himself to a fast food feast consisting of a two-thirds pound bacon cheeseburger, an order of cheddar bacon fries, and a small coca-cola. It was all very tasty while it was being consumed. Greasy, but tasty. Unfortunately, the large volume of food is having detrimental effects on DTB’s ability to make NBA highlight videos in a timely fashion.
Simply put, my tummy really hurts right now. I don’t feel good at all. I even ordered the burger without mayo and I still feel like absolute crud. I know this has nothing to with Cedi Osman or the Cavs, but this is my world right now. My whole existence is consumed by regret, pain, and burps that taste like low-quality beef mixed with plasticky cheese sauce. It’s a good thing I didn’t order any dessert items or they would have gone to waste, because the last bite of cheeseburger totally took me out of commission. I would have had to feed the dessert to my kitty Japurri, and then his tummy would be upset too (human foods are tasty to him but he always pukes after eating them).
To bring this description around to something vaguely NBA related, I wonder if NBA players ever gorge on fast food and then have to play a game while feeling like garbage? I remember reading about how rookie Kwame Brown ate Popeyes’ chicken for every meal, which would sound like heaven to me most of the time but right now sounds like the most disgusting thing ever. My guess is that NBA players would have to eat a ridiculous amount of food to feel the same miserable effects that I’m feeling right now. It’s all about proportions. NBA players weigh twice as much as me, so they would have to eat twice as much food to achieve the same physical detriments.
Please help me. God, please.