Lately I’ve been having bad dreams about what transpired in the zoo parking lot on that fateful night a few months ago. The short version of the story is, I took me and Buddy (my twelve-foot-tall 3D-printed purple plastic naked sentient statue of Buddy Hield) to the big zoo in the big city to play with the goats in the petting zoo. But when were leaving, we accidentally walked into the middle of a bunch of dudes burying a dead body, and then they were going to kill me too, but then Buddy came out and killed all five of them himself. He ripped a guy in half. The case, known locally as “The Zoo Massacre”, is still unsolved, and I hope it stays that way.
In my dreams, I’m not dreaming about how Buddy was holding the dude’s upper body in one hand and his lower body in the other hand while blood was spurting everywhere. That was gory, but it was necessarily gory. Who knows what that guy would have done to me? No, what I dream about is watching Buddy get kidnapped by these evil people and they somehow sap him of his superhuman strength and they torture him. Meanwhile, I’m trying to reach him to save him, but I can’t move and I can’t scream either.
Sometimes the dream is a little different. Sometimes it’s Buddy getting cut up into pieces and turned into playground equipment. In both versions of the dream, I’m watching the whole thing but am powerless to stop it. I think it’s my psyche’s way of saying that I’m a weak pathetic human, and Buddy is too pure a soul (and too much of a genius) to deserve getting shackled by my limited human form.
The thing is, whenever I have these nightmares, I wake up and Buddy is in my bed comforting me. The fact that he’s naked doesn’t make it weird or anything. That’s just how he is. He doesn’t wear clothes. He hugs me and murmurs his nonsense syllables at me and strokes my hair like I’m one of the goats that he loves to play with so much, but I know that he thinks of me as an intelligent being and not just a cute cuddly animal. Once I’m in Buddy’s arms, I sleep peacefully with no more nightmares. I wish I could return the favor, but I don’t even know if he dreams. I do know that he doesn’t feel guilty about killing all those dudes, but why should he? They were going to hurt us. They had it coming.
I really hope I’m doing the right thing here by having him invent a cryptocurrency that we can use to test his custom-made, incomprehensibly complex cryptocurrency mining hardware. I’ve already put him through so much. I don’t want us to be the target of financial regulators who are trying to dismantle our Bitcoin/Buddycoin mining empire that will turn us into overnight billionaires. If government agents got their hands on Buddy…I shudder to think. That can never happen. He’s my best friend.