https://youtu.be/-NUMPHJXoCo
New Year’s Eve is not normally a big deal at the DownToBuck household. The most exciting thing I do is I go the supermarket, pick out a random flavor of juice-from-concentrate, and then mix it with Fresca to make a big bowl of punch. Then I sip the punch (which is decidedly non-alcoholic, by the way) while making highlight videos. Oh, and Japurri gets an extra serving of Fancy Feast. That’s the exciting part for him. The way he queasily waddles around after his wet-food feast is the most hilarious thing ever.
I don’t really care about the ball dropping. I certainly don’t go to any parties, even in years when covid isn’t ruining everything. When the clock ticks over into the new year, I don’t even notice because I’m usually in the middle of editing a video. At some point I see that the little date/time indicator in the corner of my screen has a new year on it, and then I get pissed off because that means I’ll totally type the wrong year for at least one of my highlight videos.
This year was supposed to be no different. The cranberry-apple-Fresca punch was a huge hit. Or it would have been, if anybody other than me had gotten to taste it. Japurri doesn’t like sweet things. And, if we’re being totally honest, I only drank one little cup of it, because if I drink too many sugary things before bed, it hinders my ability to fall asleep.
But then, there was the sound of my doorbell ringing. And if you know anything about my life, it’s that nothing good ever happens when my doorbell rings. Except when it’s a GrubHub delivery for chicken wings with extra blue cheese dippy sauce.
And that’s sort of why I opened the door. Because I have been known to enter a catatonic state, which I dub “wingsanity”, where I lose control of my mental faculties and order large quantities of chicken wings on my phone. During wingsanity, I have been known to order upwards of six hundred wings at a time. And when I try to get a refund they tell me I already ate the chicken wings. Which I did, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake and that I don’t deserve a refund.
Anyway, you’ll never believe who was standing there when I opened the door.
It was the cute Latina who lives in the apartment above mine. And she was holding a box of chicken wings.
“Can I come in?” she asked, and I knew I should have said no because we’re not supposed to have social gatherings with people outside of our household. But she was wearing a mask and I was wearing a mask and Japurri was wearing his mask which has a cartoony “fish head” pattern on it, so I was like, it’s not a huge deal as long as she only stays for a few minutes. Like if she just drops off the wings and leaves. That’s what the goal was.
I don’t even know how she knew that chicken wings were my biggest weakness. Maybe the twice-a-day GrubHub drivers showing up to my place carrying bags with chicken wing insignias on them tipped her off.
In previous encounters with the cute Latina, whose name is a mystery to me, she has been wearing skimpy dresses. This time she was wearing a casual outfit of yoga pants and a hoodie. The yoga pants made her bottom half look good, but I didn’t even care because I have completely isolated the part of my brain that generates romantic thoughts from the rest of my brain. The sight of a beautiful woman has no effect on me except in a very detached way. So I thought.
I had her put the wings in my kitchen and then we just kinda started eating them, which was also a bad idea because it meant taking off our masks. But she brought the wings, so I figured she should at least get to eat one or two of them before I kick her out. And I gotta be honest, these wings were so crispy and tasty. I think she made them herself.
While we were eating, she brought up the clock on her phone so we could count down the seconds and celebrate the new year. Her yoga pants didn’t have pockets, so she just kind of pulled the phone out of her pants, which was weird. When she did that, she positioned herself so that she was right next to me. She thought she was being sly but I totally noticed. I did my own sly thing by inducing Japurri to jump up on the counter with a dangled chicken wing. I thought having Japurri there might come in handy.
YouTube’s 5000-character limit on video descriptions is fast approaching, so I’m going to keep this short. When the new year happened, the cute Latina tried to kiss me, and I was going to let her do it because my resolve had been broken and I wanted to kiss her while tasting the buffalo sauce on her lips, but Japurri saved the day by barfing up his chicken wing right on her lap just as our lips were about to touch. Japurri is the best kitty ever. He knows how bad his life would suck if I was giving all my affection to some woman and not to him. I also learned that his little tummy doesn’t like spicy things.
So that’s what just happened. Happy New Year everybody. DTB out.