https://youtu.be/AVrzg2E6-GU
Is it safe for me to go to Ukraine yet? I want to do an investigative journalism piece on the origins of Alex Len. This has been my goal for a long time, but a multitude of factors have combined to conspire against me and prevent me from going there. First, it was the armed conflict that was going on there, second, it was the coronavirus, third, Alex Len apparently has something to hide because every time I drive within twenty miles of an airport, his henchmen start following me in motorcycles.
The American news cycle has been dominated by other things, so I’m not even sure what’s happening in Ukraine right now. Are there still disputed territories? How unstable is the politicial situation there? How often do people shoot guns at each other? Len’s hometown of Antratsyt, the place where I would certainly be able to find out the most details about his early life, is in the east of Ukraine, closest to Russia, so there’s a good chance that things are still unsafe there. But, honestly, in terms of kidnapping targets, your pal DownToBuck is very low on the list. I have no diplomatic worth to America whatsoever, so if somebody kidnapped me hoping to get a ransom or start some kind of hostage crisis, good luck.
I would go to Ukraine right now except it’s hard to fly internationally because of COVID, and these guys on motorcycles won’t let me near the airport anyway. It’s a shame, there’s this BBQ restaurant near the airport that I like to go to, but Len’s force of motorbike-riding bodyguards armed with bootleg Russian guns ensure that I will never eat those rib tips ever again, much less board an airplane. That just makes me more interested in Len’s early life, like how he got involved with basketball, how badly he dominated his classmates on the court of his elementary school, how his mom’s delicious and nutrient-rich borscht gave him a strong constitution that enabled him to succeed, and how he came to be embroiled in various eastern European mafia groups that are waging a campaign of intimidation on me.
There’s somebody looking in my window right now but I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of looking his direction.