The narrative this season went something like this: Dwight Howard isn’t his old self anymore; he doesn’t like playing with Harden in Houston; he’s not an elite center; he’s unhappy with his role in the offense but not talented enough to deserve more touches; he smiles too much when the team’s losing; there’s no chance of him opting in to the final year of his contract because he wants to go to a team where he can be the centerpiece like in his Orlando days when he was an MVP candidate; he’s a coach-killer. Some of those things might be true and some of the might not be so true. I don’t know. I’m just laying out the narrative as I see it.
It doesn’t matter what the narrative was because this video is about to entirely rewrite that narrative. The narrative now reads something like this: “Dwight Howard is still an athletic beast who can dominate in the paint if his teammates let him.” That is the official new Dwight Howard narrative as of right now.
I watch this video and I think to myself, “I wouldn’t mind this guy on the Bucks.” That’s sick. Gross. Before making this video I was convinced that I wanted no part of Dwight in the green and cream. This isn’t the first time my opinion has been modified in the course of making a highlight video, but it’s definitely the most jarring. It might have the same effect on you. It WILL have the same effect on you.
In honor of Dwight’s new-found free agent desirability, I have compiled a not-quite-all-inclusive list of possible free agent destinations for him. Keep in mind that all of these scenarios have been double- and triple-checked for accuracy and CBA compliance, so there’s no need to scrutinize or verify my claims at all. Also note that I have invented a new word to describe the candidate teams: “Dwightstinations”. Dwight destinations. Awesome, right?
DWIGHTSTINATION #1: PHILADELPHIA 76ERS. This would be a perfect fit for Dwight since they pretty much have no big man talent on the roster. They might not even have a center right now unless Hollis Thompson is a center, which I don’t think he is. And they’re probably not looking to add size in the draft, so their only choice is to grab somebody in free agency. Dwight could be that guy.
DWIGHTSTINATION #2: MILWAUKEE BUCKS. They just have to get Monroe out of there somewhere. He didn’t work with Drummond so he won’t work with Dwight. Dwight is like Miles Plumlee x 10, and Plumlee actually looked good so imagine how good Dwight will look. I can’t believe I’m talking myself into this but here we are.
DWIGHTSTINATION #3: LOS ANGELES LAKERS. Okay, so we know this didn’t work out before. But the team is totally different now. Steve Nash is dead. Kobe Bryant isn’t around to call Dwight soft. Pau Gasol isn’t around to be the real soft one while Dwight gets scapegoated by Kobe. Mike D’Antoni is in Houston now. Dwight could easily come in, replace Roy Hibbert, and be the steadying vet presence for the Lakers’ cast of immature young players.
DWIGHTSTINATION #4: HOUSTON ROCKETS. Can’t you read? Mike D’Antoni is the Rockets’ coach now. This isn’t happening. I can’t believe you suggested this.
DWIGHTSTINATION #5: ORLANDO MAGIC. How many games would it take before Magic fans stopped booing every time Dwight touched the ball? Zero? Eighty-two? Never? Somewhere in between? They haven’t forgotten the circumstances surrounding his previous departure. He was a real douchebag to them. I think they’re happy with Nikola Vucevic and his no-defense, jumper-shooting centeriness. Plus, their core is seriously going to start winning games soon for sure. They don’t need to mess with that chemistry by adding the Dwightmare.
DWIGHTSTINATION #6: PHOENIX SUNS: The Suns have, historically, found success in acquiring past-their-prime superstar centers. Their pitch to Dwight will definitely have to include the fact that Steve Nash isn’t there anymore.
DWIGHTSTINATION #7: WHEREVER JOSH SMITH ENDS UP. Josh Smith and Dwight are bros of the tightest order. It doesn’t matter that Josh Smith has, in three years, gone from desired free agent to a DNP-collecting bench-warmer. These two guys have chemistry. Or something. So if J-Smoove ends up in Europe because literally no team wants him, so goes Dwight. Dwight would probably average 40/25 in Europe except his coach wouldn’t let him because of the so-called “team concept”.
DWIGHSTINATION #8: EVERY OTHER TEAM IN THE NBA. This video makes Dwight look so good that any GM in the NBA would be able to envision a scenario where they acquire him and it works out perfectly. Depending on which team ends up with him, I would like to say first, you’re welcome, and second, I’m sorry.