I’m not much for conspiracy theories. A bunch of un-factchecked nonsense supported by believers who mindlessly gulp down any swill that is forced down their throats. A product of a strange new era of media consumption.
But some things are just too coincidental. Jrue Holiday comes back after a host of injury and family issues, and the Pelicans win in dominating fashion against the Blazers. Suspicious, no? Considering how bad the Pelicans have been lately, I find it hard to believe that the result of this game was not manipulated.
I’m not talking about Adam Silver or anything. That would be silly. The NBA doesn’t care who wins this meaningless regular season contest no matter how good it makes Jrue look. They’re under so much scrutiny from that Tim Donaghy scandal that they can’t afford even a shadow of impropriety. No, the NBA are innocent here. This goes much deeper. Much, MUCH deeper.
No, it’s not aliens either. Don’t be stupid. Why would aliens care about basketball? What, like they’re manipulating the vertical leaps of players at birth so that more dunks happen? Be serious now.
Here’s my theory: Jrue Holiday is a good player, right? Of course. We can all agree on that. What if, WHAT IF, and this may sound crazy, but what if having a good player on the court INCREASES YOUR TEAM’S CHANCES OF WINNING THE GAME? Look at the facts. The Pelicans didn’t have Jrue, who we all have agreed is a good player, and they kept losing. Now they have him back, and they win! Those are the facts, laid out for your unbelieving eyes. I looked at some other results of other games, and the results, frankly, shocked me. Check out basketball-reference for yourself, arm yourself with knowledge. It is undeniable: teams with players like LeBron James and Stephen Curry win way more than those without.
I feel that I am on the verge of uncovering something truly paradigm-shattering. How would rosters be constructed if teams knew that more good players led to more wins? It is almost frightening to think about.