Patty Mills 18 Points Full Highlights (4/22/2015)

Patty Mills was convinced of it: this place was hell on earth. First of all, he was surrounded by depraved sickos. What else would one expect from a place called “San Antonio Paraphilia Rehabilitation”? As he sat in his padded cell, he tried to remember all the crazies he had been forced to talk with…

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Patty Mills 15 Points Full Highlights (3/8/2015)

“I don’t want to go!” Patty yelled from the backseat of the van he was riding in. “I’m telling you Tim, I’ve got this under control. Really.” Tim Duncan looked in the rear view mirror to see his teammate struggling against his straitjacket. Patty’s eye’s were wild with a mix of fear and insanity. “You…

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Patty Mills 18 Points Full Highlights (1/16/2015)

“Thanks for having me over, Tim. You’re the best,” Patty said, walking into Tim Duncan’s home. “Maybe you’ll help clear my mind a bit.” Tim closed the door behind his teammate. “That’s the plan, Patty. Let’s sit in the den and talk this through.” The two Spurs sat across from each other, Patty in a…

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Patty Mills 19 Points Full Highlights (1/10/2015)

Patty Mills is injured last season, and the Spurs go on to win the championship. Patty Mills comes back, and the Spurs don’t look as unbeatable as before. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? That’s right! Taco party at DTB’s place! DownToBuck will provide the tacos, and you all will provide the ladies and booze!…

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Patty Mills 15 Points Full Highlights (1/3/2015)

Patty Mills walked through the mall, looking for a present that he could send back home for his cousin’s birthday. Gazing idly into the display windows, he dismissed most of the products he saw. The preferences of Americans were much different than those of an Aboriginal Australian. He looked up to see what the next…

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Patty Mills 14 Points/4 Threes Full Highlights (6/12/2014)

“Patty Melt” Mills’ Finals success is one of the great feel-good stories of this year’s season. After years of derision and humiliation, Patty has proved that Austrians can, in fact, do some things right. This is the first step in improving the perception of Austrians in the American public’s collective psyche. The fat little dude…

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Patty Mills 29 Points Full Highlights (2/19/2014)

New candidate for stupidest catchphrase by a basketball commentator: “G’day mate!” when Patty Mills makes a particularly impressive shot. It doesn’t help that the already goofy sounding Spurs’ commentator’s voice is rendered even more goofy with the addition of a horrible faux-stralian accent. But can you really blame him for picking the lowest hanging fruit…

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Patty Mills 32 Points Full Highlights (2/8/2014)

Patty Mills sat behind the wheel of his rented SUV, parked inconspicuously in the parking lot of a strip mall in Lubbock, Texas. Astros cap on his head and sunglasses obscuring his eyes, he read the local paper with amusement. “BED BATH & BEYOND BANDIT STRIKES AGAIN!” Beneath this urgent, front-page headline was a picture…

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Patty Mills 18 Points/6 Threes Full Highlights (1/24/2014)

Patty Mills, driving home from another successful practice, looked around curiously. He had been diverted from his normal route home by detours, and was traveling through a commercial area that he had never had occasion to visit. Suddenly, a large sign ahead grabbed all of his attention. It read: “BED BATH & BEYOND” Unable to…

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Patty Mills 23 Points Full Highlights (4/15/2013)

Patty “No this is Patrick” Mills has proven that he can be a good scorer off the bench. So why doesn’t he get any minutes at all under Popovich? Is it because he’s a total chucker? Probably. Here against the Warriors, Patty watched Stephen Curry drain three after contested three. He thought to himself “I…

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