OFFICIAL REASONS NOT TO MAKE THIS VIDEO POWER RANKINGS 1. 21 points is not all that many for Dillon Brooks, who has spent the better part of two months transforming himself into Bradley Beal 0.8 2. Nobody cares about Dillon Brooks, not even ‘Zlies fans, so nobody will watch it 3. This video is getting…
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Serge Ibaka 27 Points Full Highlights (3/9/2020)
Since I wore myself out writing some other descriptions tonight, I present to you my latest low-effort drivel disguised as semi-serious journalism: OFFICIAL FAMILY-FRIENDLY EUPHEMISMS FOR SERGE IBAKA’S “THINGY” POWER RANKINGS: 1. “Thingy” 2. “Pants Python” 3. “Sweatpants Snake” 4. “The Congolese Crusher” 5. “(Not-So-)Little Serge” 6. “The Pipe” 7. “Meat” [POWER GAP] 9001. “Cockle-Doodle-Doo”…
Read MoreMarcus Smart 29 Points Full Highlights (3/6/2020)
OFFICIAL REASONS WHY MARCUS SMART’S 29 POINTS DO NOT COUNT POWER RANKINGS: 1. Smart was 9-of-23 from the field and 6-of-15 from three (he was shooting too much is what I’m trying to say) 2. The Celtics lost, and, as everybody know, stats accumulated in a losing effort do not count towards anything other than…
Read MoreDonte DiVincenzo 19 Points Full Highlights (3/4/2020)
OFFICIAL NBA PLAYERS BORN IN DELAWARE POWER RANKINGS 1. Walt Hazzard. I’ve never heard of this dude, but he was a one-time All-Star scoring 24 PPG per game for the Sonics in the 67-68 season, their first season as an NBA franchise. There was a dude on that team named Plummer Lott. LOL (lots of…
Read MoreDanuel House 17 Points Full Highlights (2/11/2020)
OFFICIAL WAYS TO PRONOUNCE “DANUEL” POWER RANKINGS 1. “Dan-You-Ell”. Since I am an expert at English-language pronunciation, you can take my word for it that this is how House’s fist name really should be pronounced if following the rules of the language. It’s like Manuel with a D. 2. “Dan-Ooh-Ell”. Pretty close to correct, but…
Read MoreTomas Satoransky 19 Points/6 Assists Full Highlights (1/25/2020)
DownToBuck ate some funny shrimp for lunch and isn’t feeling too well right now, so he’s going to phone in this description by utilizing the tried-and-true “power ranking” format. If the low-effort nature of this video description bothers you, I direct you to the description for tonight’s Shabazz Napier triple-double, which had a very high-effort…
Read MoreJames Johnson 22 Points Full Highlights (1/20/2020)
OFFICIAL PREFERRED IN-GAME SNACKS OF JAMES JOHNSON POWER RANKINGS 1. Mozzarella sticks smuggled by a friendly fan from the concession stand 2. A carton of melted strawberry ice cream stashed in warm-up pants 3. Candy from the candy bucket on the scorer’s table (consumed in fistfuls without removing the wrappers first) 4. One chicken strip…
Read MoreMaxi Kleber Career High 24 Points Full Highlights (1/4/2020)
OFFICIAL NEXT DIRK ON THE MAVERICKS POWER RANKINGS JANUARY 2020 EDITION 1. Maxi Kleber 2. Luka Doncic 3. Kristaps Porzingis 4. Dwight Powell 5. Boban Marjanovic 6. J.J. Barea POWER GAP 16. Courtney Lee 17. Josh Reaves If you want a little bit of explanation, Maxi Kleber is first because he’s a big German and…
Read MoreDe’Anthony Melton 16 Points Full Highlights (1/2/2020)
OFFICIAL POINT GUARDS PLAYING LESS THAN TWENTY MINUTES PER GAME POWER RANKINGS [POWER CRITERIA: TOTAL WIN-SHARES]: 1. Terence Davis (1.9 WS) 2. T.J. McConnell (1.7 WS) 3. Monte Morris (1.6 WS) 4. Brad Wanamaker (1.6 WS) 5. Jalen Bruson (1.5 WS) 6. Alex Caruso (1.1 WS) 7. Tyus Jones (1.0 WS) 8. De’Anthony Melton (1.0…
Read MoreSekou Doumbouya 10 Points/2 Dunks Full Highlights (1/2/2020)
OFFICIAL REASONS TO MAKE THIS VIDEO POWER RANKINGS 1. Sekou Doumbouya is a fun name to say and to spell 2. Pistons fans have attached all of their hopes, literally all of their hopes, to this guy for some reason 3. Doumbouya had two dunks 4. As the Pistons broadcast helpfully reminded us, Doumbouya is…
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